Snark Sharks

Are You My New Mommy?

Nebraska officials have reported that a second out of state teenager has been abandoned due to their recently enacted safe-haven law.  (Article Here)  The fun loving folks in the cornhusker state decided to add a sassy and saucy little twist to their safe-haven law - anyone, not just a parent can drop off a child, of any age, at any state licensed hospital without fear of prosecution for abandonment.  Now I understand that the safe-haven laws are meant to ultimately help the unwanted, neglected and downtrodden children.  However the state of Nebraska has given every idiot that figured out how to spawn an excuse to get rid of their problem children. Read the rest of this entry »

Pac being told bye-bye now

As far as Adam “Pacman” Jones knows he’s going on vacation. After the NFL suspended the ridiculously criminal Dallas Cowboy defensive back for the next four games (story) Jones responded with a wide grin and announced he was hitting “da clubs” to celebrate his leave time. “I play hard and now dey all giving me my space to do my thing,” Jones said. When asked if he knew why he was being asked to leave the team Jones shrugged, “The hell if I know, but I do knows I’s going on vacation, ya hear me.” Read the rest of this entry »

Couldn't agree with you more, Stoops

Early October can only mean one thing, the Texas state fair and an accompanying football game known as the Red River Whatever. The Sooners and Longhorns will square off in a contest that since 2000 has been won by an average margin of 24-points in eight games. This flop of a tradition usually finds both Big 12 heavyweights undefeated and a good two months from the winner’s likely embarrassment in a BCS bowl game. The loser has fallen 63-14, 65-13 and 45-12 in three recent match-ups and that can only build confidence with polls and computers. But hell, it’s the Horn’s and Sooners and somebody has to win so make ABC happy and tune in at noon tomorrow. But you’ve been warned.

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The pirates are coming!

The Snark has just returned from an exclusive 2-week stay with real Somali pirates and files the following postcard… Amid hunger and confusion, weapons and water, strange languages and poor nautical steering we landed aboard the Ukrainian ship MV Faina to little or no fanfare. A brute of a sailor spat on the deck when seeing armed militia scatter over the ships’ rails and sighed. Indeed, the site of malnourished pirates hijacking tankers and other cargo vessels have become so routine in these waters that several recruiting offices have sprung up in Eritrea, Yemen and Oman to process the stacks of applications. In addition to being a lucrative and exciting alternative to sand-related jobs piracy is becoming a resurrected form of male bonding that is enticing the underprivileged to participate in outreach programs that enhance their networking skills and provide real hands-on experience for a future in a variety of cargo trafficking. Read the rest of this entry »

Vandy pounces on Auburn

After last week’s stunning upsets college football returned to normalcy this weekend as Oklahoma, Missouri and USC went back to work manhandling lesser foes. However, upstart Vanderbilt, the over-privileged rich kids of the south, knocked off perennial SEC power Auburn to beg the question… what the fuck is wrong with Auburn (yikes)? The once-proud Tigers have lost to the Commodores and LSU, scored a meager 3 points against Mississippi State and in trying to implement the spread offense within their traditional running game have looked like special ed kids at unsupervised recess. Read the rest of this entry »

Now TO defends the star

Four weeks is plenty of time for contestants to start prancing into place for the Snark Shark Diva-Ceiver poll. With a presidential election in one month, the Dallas reunion in two months and a chance for the biggest divas in football to kiss in Big D tomorrow we present the first edition of the regular season Diva-Ceivers.  And no surprise it’s co-owned by Chad Eight Five and Terrell Owens. 

For weeks cynical viewers like the Snark have waited for the nicey nice act of TO, Plax and Eight Five to fizzle and fade into a kitty litter dust up of attitude, me-ism and sunglasses. And in one glorious week the divas of the receiver corps stepped up and announced it’s Showtime.

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Our Eight blows away the BCS

Beating the BCS to the punch and trimming every other poll around the Snark presents Eight is Enough, our guide to the only teams that matter in college football. We want to lend our voice to the call for a college football playoff system and we propose a quarter-final, semi-final and final format to determine the best team in NCAA Division 1 men’s football. No need for Top 25’s, Top 20’s or even Top 10’s. We’re in a recession and heading for a depression so we all need to make do with less. Eight gives you all the proven names and room fore one or two exceptions.  Read the rest of this entry »

Please Buy My Album. Do these corn rows make me look relevant?

Editor’s Note - Ok Kids me and Hammer have been busy with our annual Atlantic Ocean migration - so today we are going to bring you something from our Best Of that you might have missed - Great White

So by now you’ve read that the mythical bigfoot is real. (If I have to tell you I’m kidding please go get yourself sterilized now) Seems a couple of backwoods sister lovers are telling us that they have conclusive evidence in a freezer that they in fact have found Bigfoot.  Now what our good friends Matt Whitton and Mark Dyer failed disclose is that when they found the den for Bigfeet (Bigfoots?) that they were running around moshing and listening to Axl Rose’s long awaited Chinese Democracy Album on their iPod Touches, while doing bong hits, and anally raping Bambi’s mother. Read the rest of this entry »

Shea... because being a fan should hurt

Following Sunday’s loss to the Florida Marlins that eliminated the New York Mets from the postseason Shea Stadium began its deconstruction and going with it are some timeless memories. Shea was no charming living room, it was Flushing Queens in all it’s ugly concrete glory, with constant jet flyovers, outfield view of nothing and bleachers that shook when the Jets or Mets would set their fans up for inevitable disappointment. But every now and then Shea would channel the rude, unforgiving and cold heart of the city and capture the essence of New York. Read the rest of this entry »

Call Me Don Roger Corleone

Upset with the lack of league wide respect for rules, teammates and officiating Roger Goddell is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore.  Goddell feels that it’s his personal duty to clean up the NFL and keep the largest cash cow in all of sports humming smoothly so he’s not afraid to get his hands a little dirty.  After a laundry list of shenanigan’s by a seemingly never ending list of ne’er do well’s including: manslaughter defendant in training Adam “Pac Man” Jones, Chris Henry, Michael “Rape Stick” Vick and Tank Johnson, Goddell knew that it was time to lay down the law.  However, all of this was topped off with the Spy Gate scandal at the hands of the New England Cheatriots.  Goddell is ready to show that the buck stops here and the buck stops now. Read the rest of this entry »