He's even dressed for South Florida

Despite laying down for Wisconsin in the (irrelevant sponsor here) bowl Miami’s 2010 could not have gotten off to a better start. Sure star running back Graig Cooper may miss next year due to injury, the ‘Canes will say good-bye to seniors like Randy Phillips, Daryl Sharpton and Eric Moncur and the god-awful white-on-white uniforms with the half green/half orange numbers could be re-used to scare the living daylights out of fashion editors the world over but if you haven’t been paying attention to the situation in Lubbock, Texas then you probably are unaware that the coach Da U has been looking for ever since Dennis Erickson left is now unemployed and waiting for an offer.

Prior to their bowl game against Michigan State Texas Tech decided to 1) suspend head coach Mike Leach from coaching in the game and then 2) unceremoniously fired him mere days before the game due to a he said/she said situation involving Leach and Adam James, the son of former SMU running back Craig James, now an announcer for ESPN. James is claiming improper handling due to a concussion Leach says the University just wanted him gone.

Either way it leaves one of college football’s most unusual, intriguing and arrogant personalities in need of a team and with Miami listing in the waters of mediocrity at the hands of Randy Shannon the time has come for Miami to stop playing nicey nice with guys like former head coach Larry Coker and teams like Wisconsin and get back to the glory days of attitude, taunting, 50-point wins and at least one damn ACC title.

First off, I can’t stand Leach. Just the same I couldn’t stand Jimmy Johnson or Dennis Erickson but the fact of the matter is they knew how to get teams to win consistently and took home their fair share or trophies and rings. Following their reigns Miami was forced to clean house and with it went the disposition that made the ‘Canes such a force during the golden years of the 1980’s and early ’90’s; primarily their fuck-you attitude to the rest of the NCAA. Miami broke every rule, smashed every tradition and put programs like Notre Dame and Nebraska on their heels with blazing speed, bravado and trash talk.

Of course those days are buried and many will say it can’t be dug up but if anyone can revive a dormant bully it’s Leach. My first choice was Steve Spurrier but after watching the lousy job the Ole Ball Coach has done at South Carolina it’s not clear weather his visor turned into blinders in the twilight of his career. This isn’t a knock on Shannon or any of his assistant coaches but except for a few impressive wins at the beginning of this season the ‘Canes didn’t show much improvement and that loss to Wisconsin was a frightening return to the Coker ‘by golly we tried” days which is great if your coaching youth league but not exactly the legacy of Da U.

Let Jacory fly

In 10 years Leach took a near dead program at Texas Tech, turned them into legitimate contenders for the Big 12 title, won as many bowl games in his tenure (5) then the school had done in 75 years before him and gave Tech an attitude that made it possible to upset Texas in 2008 and make the state take notice of the rebel Red Raiders out in west Texas. Leach is no saint and he isn’t leaving Lubbock without his share of detractors, law suits and bitter memories but the point is if he can win with mid-major talent at Tech imagine what he could do with the all-star recruiting classes of Miami and a seasoned Jacory Harris under center next year. Scoreboards couldn’t keep up with the dazzling lights.

New Super Hero... Lame-O!

Miami is no stranger to controversy and to the school’s credit they’ve tried very hard to change the image of camouflage wearing, helmet swinging, police blotter fodder that tattooed a black eye on the school. But that black eye is what Miami is, always was and always will be. This isn’t dag gum Florida State or the sniffling god-squad of Florida (can someone get Tebow some tissue already)… this is Da U and though he may be ornery, arrogant, heartless and cold Mike Leach is the only coach right now capable of making Miami a feared national title contender again. Think it over, Miami, as the ‘Noles and Gators celebrate more January wins and the ‘Canes sit home in stunned silence watching replays of their loss to Wisconsin in some of the most hideous uniforms since Nike took over the Oregon wardrobe.

He' Standing (well, leaning)

After an April horror show many are kindly calling ‘interesting’, the New York Mets have announced lowered expectations for comical left fielder Daniel Murphy. “Right now, in light of all that we’ve seen we’re just hoping Murph can stand up.” A Mets spokesman said under condition of anonymity. During the first 21 games of the 2009 campaign Murphy has managed to bumble, stumble and juggle his way to several costly errors, none more frustrating than his blunder against the Marlins on April 12^th that led to two unearned runs and cost pitcher Johan Santana another win. Murphy has fallen backward, lost his glove, dropped sure outs and slid without rhyme or reason in a disturbing display of fielding that Manny Ramirez has called “inspiring”. Since Murphy is transitioning from the infield and because the only replacement is an aging Gary Sheffield the Mets are forced to watch the adventures of Murphy in the outfield and hope he follows through on his promise to: JUST STAND UP.

“Really, he doesn’t have to be an all-star or 5-tool freak, we just want the boy to stand up for an entire inning, that’s all.” Said Mets manager Jerry Manuel. “I think he can do it, I think he has it in him to want to do it.”

Murphy is batting .324, has a home run and 7 RBI’s and is only 24 years old but his inability to maintain his balance while spending time in spacious outfields has several key members of the Mets brass worried.

“You expect some growing pains when a guy transitions from the infield to the outfield but you don’t expect that guy to lose basic motor skills,” an official for the club said also under condition of anonymity. “We all fall down but this kid does it a lot and yes we’re a little concerned.”

Estoy tan cansado de esta

Starting pitcher Johan Santana passed concerned a year ago after seven games he should have gotten a win for were blown by stupid errors and a suspect bullpen. The hurling Venezuelan is now full-steam on his way to homicide if players like Murphy continue to make him look average. Though Santana appears calm on the surface several phone calls from members of Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez’ security detail have peeked the interest of local FBI agents.

No, no, your left, Murph!

In the second inning of a divisional show down with Florida Murphy misplayed a drive deep to left field and dropped a sure out that led to two unearned run for the Marlins who scraped out a 2-1 win. Santana was otherwise dominant going 7 innings, surrendering only three hits and striking out 13. Santana is still 3-1 on the year with a 1.10 ERA but after that gaff he stewed in the dug out and glared at Murphy who was dressing nervously.

“You know some of us we come to play, you know, we here to win,” Santana seethed as he spit in Murphy’s direction, “but other guys, you know they like da da da de da I’m gonna f’ing drop the ball and oh no whoops go me.”

Carlos Delgado and Jose Reyes intervened to steer Santana away but as he was leaving the clubhouse he managed to throw a cleat at Murphy’s locker and yelled ‘Catch that!” in Spanish. Murphy didn’t catch it or the reference.

That's not like Daniel Murphy

Eight days later Murphy was at it again this time in St. Louis when the spastic misplayed a hard liner off the bat of Cardinal Brendan Ryan. Murphy stepped forward, then backward, spun a bit, lost his glove, fell down and watched the ball skip to the wall for a tie-breaking run scoring triple. Centerfielder Carlos Beltran raced to get the ball and relay it to the infield but several replays show he also had time to stare in stoned disbelief at the prone Murphy.

“It’s like he’s afraid, you know, afraid to stand up or something,” Beltran said following the game. “He should be able to stand by now, you know. I mean, once you stand its like a whole new world of opportunities open up right in front of you.”

On April 25^th Murphy thankfully didn’t cost the Mets a win when he twice slid awkwardly to try and catch line drives but missed both times. The beneficiaries of Murphy’s unusual form of fielding were Elijiah Dukes who had a triple and Anderson Hernandez who got a single but the Mets still beat the Nationals 8-2 despite Murph’s miscues

You and me, kid... and ShamWow!

“I can stand up,” Murphy said following the game. “Look.” He stood for a moment and then had to put a hand out to brace his fall into a locker. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Before the clubhouse was closed off to the media pitchman Billy Mays was seen approaching Murphy and pumping his fists in a rhythm. 

Murphy started to nod along, began stomping one foot and then yelled, “JUST STAND UP!” Gary Sheffield, Murphy’s 500 home run hitting back up smiled and winked.

After a 10-10 start that has elicited responses of yawn to “you suck” the New York Yankees front office is proposing a scheme with Major League Baseball to participate in a controversial ‘run buy-back’ program that would allow the Bombers the chance to buy back runs that have been scored on them in blow outs so the beatings won’t look quite so bad in the record books. Overly concerned of the Yankee image during their inaugural season in a new stadium and with a ballooning payroll now topping $200 million the Steinbrener boys, Hank and Hal, hope to ease the humiliating pain that comes with double-digit losses to the Rays and Indians.

Toeing the traditional delusional Yankee line Hal Steinbrenner said nothing is wrong with the Yankees and that buying back runs is something daddy George had been looking into since Billy Martin was trashing dugouts in the late 70’s. “We’re 100% satisfied with the performance of our ball club,” Hal said while running from angry fans throwing knives stabbed through ticket stubs at him, “we just have a different definition of ‘mediocre’ than other teams.”

A-Rod enjoys another day of rehab

Currently the Yankees are listing in the proverbial perfect storm as Alex Rodriguez rehabs from off-season surgery and manages the fallout from his steroid admission, starting pitcher Chien-Mien Wang wastes on the DL and six-figure season ticket prices have fans wondering what they are paying for. Initial filing reports with the IRS show the Yankees in sound financial shape but several US congressman voiced concern when legislation was introduced by suspicious characters directing bailout and TARP funds to one specific construction project in the Bronx.

You can't afford to go here

The Yankees are an obnoxious force of economics that never met problems cash couldn’t solve. But since 2003 the Yanks have 0 pennants, spent crazy amounts on the ghost of Carl Pavano and the precious moments of Jason Giambi and jilted New Yorkers with a nice portion of the Stadium bill. Several seats in Yankee Stadium can fetch $225,000 for a full-season (roughly 82 games) and though the Yanks do offer more “economical” seating it’s in the form of obstructed view seats, the fabulous “Chelsea” section and distant rows reserved for sponsors who “paid” in trade.

In the Yankee world there is no recession, just whiny poor people who keep stealing championships using sickening fair play and quality starting pitching to thwart the Steinbrenner credit line. Recent wire taps done on offices in the Bronx reveal members of the Yankee brass have also floated ideas for printing their own money, declaring the Yankees an official bank and collecting proximity taxes on those fortunate enough to walk near their hallowed glory.

You can't spray off 'suck'

While the Yankees insist the run buy-back program won’t alter any wins or losses they are hopeful it can make people forget the awful performances the team has dumped on fans, especially the disturbingly comical 18-run loss to the Indians on April 18th. The Yankees are also looking into cash payments and incentive programs for erasing other blips in their storied history including a mosquito attack on Joba Chamberlain, Pedro Martinez’ refined DDT on Don Zimmer and every season the team didn’t win at least the AL pennant.

“If you see 8-4 rather than 22-4 you just feel a lot better about who you are and the incredible amounts of money you make,” Yankee outfielder Hideki Matsui said through a Japanese translator. The rest of the Yankees are also taking courses in Japanese so they can use such candor in explaining how a play-off caliber team gives up 126 runs in 20 games.

Teixeira nods and smiles

” It’s a lot like a mystery,” new first baseman Mark Teixeira said of the dismal start, “in Texas people would say it’s over but here it’s like ‘What problem?’ It’s kind of neat.” Teixeira is under contract for $180 million with the club and is currently batting .206. Along with new pitchers CC Sabthia ($161 million) and A.J. Burnett ($82.5 million) Teixiera is looking to expand the Yankee buy-back program to remove errors and other unseemly statistics that make for negative player perceptions.

Red Sox GM Theo Epstein gives his opinion

No word yet on how much the Yankees are offering per run and if other teams will be interested in losing runs but the Steinbrenner boys are confident the league will go along and have already started running promos on propaganda network YES with the tag line: Ta Da, Paying to See the Yankee Way.

Grrrr...

What else could wake the slumbering sharks from their morphine induced winter coma then a Gary Sheffield sighting. Not even one game into their crucial 2009 season the World Series favorites New York Mets have already shook their delicate deck with the 1-year signing of the head case known as Sheff. Never mind that the Mets are on the hook for only $400,000 of the $14 million Sheff will make this year (the lucky Detroit Tigers get the $13.6 million portion of that bill) and that his right-handed bat will probably crank 20-30 home runs in a full season, what should concern the Mets more is that they have choked horrendously the last two years and now that it’s World Series or bust is having a known mad dog malcontent like Sheff lurking in the fragile locker room a wise decision?

Sheff introduces himself

Sheff is many things… his resume features a lifetime .292 average, 499 homers, 1,633 RBI’S and a 1997 World Series ring but for every on-field accomplishment he has achieved in his career there is a balancing mind-numbing head ache caused by his mouth, fists or combination of the two. Sheff has dodged steroid allegations, been shot in an attempted robbery, was arrested along with his uncle Dwight Gooden after a bender in Tampa, nearly brawled with fans in Boston after a foul ball, did a classic mound charge in 2008 going after Cleveland Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona, claimed Latino players are more prevalent in baseball because they “are easier to control” and after leaving the Yankees accused former manager Joe Torre of treating white and black players differently, adding Derek Jeter is special because he isn’t “all the way black”.

Sheff gives up on fly ball and attacks teammate instead

Sheff is best compared to fellow psych-job run amok Manny Ramirez, a feared hitter with unquestionable talent and the scientifically proven inability to coexist with people, places and things. Like Ramirez Sheff can flat out smack a baseball no matter whom is pitching it and even play the field when he feels like it but is also capable of alienating teammates, managers, fans, cities, TV networks, sponsors, children, pets and fresh air.

Maybe the Mets felt they needed an enforcer to knock some heads around come September when they square off with Philadelphia. No doubt the Mets have been bullied the last two years and if nothing else the presence of Sheff alone will make opposing teams think twice about brush backs since Sheff has no problem walking to the mound with his bat and crushing the pitcher’s skull. Sheff is a crazy man with a vicious swing and a temper that can ignite faster than a tinderbox.

A-Rod makes the mistake of getting too close

The issue with having him around is you never know when and where he will erupt and whom his rage will be directed at. Sheff is a prickly pear and unfortunately no one has been able to figure out what makes him happy. He’s been given money, credit, praise and awards and still he feels slighted. Sheff has the unique ability to blame in general and leave others to wonder if they’re at fault. The Mets have a clubhouse full of quiet veterans united to win a ring with the bitter taste of defeat washing around their mouths. What they didn’t have until yesterday was a talented yet temperamental pit bull foaming at the mouth who can swat the game winning home run and then shove his teammates at home plate because while rounding the bases his mood suddenly soured.

Sheff considers clubbing ump with bat

How the Mets plan on handling their loaded gun remains to be seen. Everyone from Jose Reyes to the PR hacks knows this team is on the clock for a title this year and now the Mets have turned up the heat by inviting the rabid Sheff to prowl the new Citi Field yard. Figure expected starters Daniel Murphy and Ryan Church will have to take turns letting Sheff piss on their corner outfield turf. Can their on-edge locker room function with ole Sheff  barking out his running list of injustices and phantom menaces? Manager Jerry Manuel should be advised to carry a taser gun whenever Sheff is roaming and install an invisible fence to protect the fans. 

Damnit, I can swim fast!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for Michael Phelps, Christian Bale and Alex Rodriguez. I’m sorry for idols, heroes, people who swim fast and actors with short tempers. But more than that I’m sorry for America and the pathetic people who inhabit it. In the past two weeks this nation of gossip gals, back-stabbers and witch hunters have had a field day turning on the very people they put on superficial pedestals. This country of yellow-bellied cowards, union members and hedge fund managers doesn’t deserve an apology. What they deserve is a well-placed slap across their smug faces for having the hypocritical nerve to expect contriteness from the very men they made into immortals. What’s the point of a pagan god if he can’t act like one?

So the Snark is proposing that Phelps, Bale, Rodriguez and any other troubled celebrity should never apologize for anything to anyone. It’s not that we condone or condemn bad behavior or lapses in judgment but the “crimes” committed by these made-up idols pales in comparison to the abhorrent rape of justice and law that has plagued this nation since it was founded.

Drawing our own conclusions based on sheer bias we present a side-by-side comparison of those dragged before the salivating masses of public opinion and the rogue swine that continue to defecate on morals, integrity and decency.

Phelps swimming really fast

First off is Phelps, the goofy looking kid who swims fast. This 23-year old aquatic dynamo somehow turned into a re-incarnation of Zeus at the Beijing Olympics and because he could swim faster than several other people was crowned king of current American heroes. Did Phelps cure cancer, end world hunger or rescue the global economy from certain collapse? No, he dove in a pool and swam really fast. And for that skill Americans hoisted this chosen one to a level beyond mortals.

Then Phelps was caught on film toking some marijuana at a party in South Carolina. Faster than you can say “swims fast” Phelps was banned from US Swimming for three months, lost his endorsement deal with Kellogg’s (the producers of such nutritious sugar laced foods as Pop Tarts and Fruit Loops), has been threatened with criminal charges and was forced to publicly apologize for so disgracing our holier-than-thou peanut gallery of soccer moms and castrated dads peddling insurance. How dare you get high at a party when the fate of a nation rests on your shoulders? Would Americans be happy if Phelps publicly drowned himself as punishment?

Financial Wizard!

And while Phelps is busy flogging himself to the delirious delight of our television slaves a pile of animal shit like Bernard Madoff doesn’t have to utter a word of regret for single-handedly blowing $50 billion in a bizarre Ponzi scheme that emptied the savings of hundreds of people and forced numerous charities to close. It’s OK, Bernie, you’re fine, just don’t let the fascist watchdogs catch you doing something really bad, like having a drink.

Bale will die for our sins

Another celebrity recently found to be (gasp) less than human is volatile actor Christian Bale who lost his temper on the set of (god help us) another Terminator movie. Though Bale isn’t American he is a part of Hollywood and henceforth an American by default. Bale was in character and trying to focus when Shane Hurlbut, a lighting technician, casually walked into the scene and disrupted his concentration. Bale went ballistic and tore into Hurlbut with a profanity-laced tirade that became an Internet sensation. Never mind that Hurlbut has a documented habit of disturbing scenes and acting like an obnoxious ass during filming (true dat) it was the sinister Bale who caught flak for telling the lighting guy to stay the fuck out of his way when he’s working.

Not many people consider acting a “job” and calling it “work” is a bit silly but it is Bale’s profession and to purposefully distract him is rude and impolite. But the Hollywood hounds would not rest until Bale apologized for being, well, human. I suppose we just take for granted that it was Bale’s focus and seriousness that resurrected the Batman franchise from the god-awful performances of Chris O’Donnell, Jim Carrey and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently some of us are only grateful when it’s convenient.

Apologize? For what?

And while Bale goes on the record saying he acted immature and unprofessional good ole boys like George W. Bush and Karl Rove laugh at a justice system they fire bombed while ignoring subpoenas and wiping their lily white asses with the Constitution. It’s not like Bale circumvented Congress to start an unjust and illegal war for oil that has killed hundreds of thousands of people, misled the American public with lies and phony evidence or personally oversaw the worst collapse of the US economy since the Great Depression. No, had Bale done that he’d be given a library at Southern Methodist University and get out of jail free cards under the guise of executive privilege.

Watch my right hand as I stab you with my left

Last but not least is the recent report that New York Yankees 3^rd baseman Alex Rodriguez may have tested positive in 2003 for using steroids. Baseball unofficially elected A-Rod to be the savior of a sport run sour after real stand up men like Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa pissed all over the game. A-Rod has had his share of bad press including a supposed affair with Madonna, public jabs from teammate Derek Jeter and former manager Joe Torre and being spotted at an illegal card game.

But now A-Rod is under the gun for possibly being just like everyone else in baseball and using a substance that was not even illegal to the game in 2003. It doesn’t matter that the Sports Illustrated muckrakers who dug up the “confidential” test results acted in bad judgment, possibly in violation of the law and undoubtedly in an attempt to remain relevant as their magazine nears extinction, they found a defect in A-Rod and now the crucifixion can begin. Run Dan Patrick, you’re the only one worth saving.

Now this calls for an apology

Next up to spit on the ground A-Rod walks will be the spineless collection of Baseball Writers of America who hold the almighty power of who is elected into Baseball’s Hall of Fame. Dare we ask to rummage though their past for a plagiarized paragraph or half-ass game recap? Consider the Baseball writers to be the equivalent of BCS voters who secretly, vindictively and selfishly select personal favorites to be awarded titles and honors. A-Rod has been found guilty of being talented, attractive and wealthy. May he burn in hell for eternity.

How 'bout them ass clowns?

Again, we don’t condone the acts of the aforementioned celebrities but we will offer this warning… if you keep tearing down the idols you create in time you will have nothing left but the unapologetic swindlers who are responsible for the real crimes that cause actual damage. The choice is yours but this is one American who would rather get high with Phelps, cuss out stage hands with Bale and live the charmed life with A-Rod then have to stand anywhere near the likes of Bush, Rove, Madoff and the horde of fashion-challenged dung beetles known as sports journalists.

Damn You Rubik, and your cursed cube!

Well my little Snarker’s and Snarkette’s I know you haven’t heard from your pal Great White in a little while, but I figured it was time to get back in the saddle.  Like most of the Snarks out there in their 30’s, a lot of my friends are spawning the next generation of ankle biters and it’s made me a bit introspective.  So I compiled a list of 85 things that the next generation just won’t get.  Ok the list was going to be 101 things, but I got bored so you’ll get 85 and you’ll like it.

1.    That Bo knew
2.    Saturday morning cartoons were the highlight of your week, not just another day with crappy CGI cartoons
3.    That the first reality show (Real World New York), was actually real
4.    If you wanted a popular new song, you had to sit around for hours waiting for it to come on the radio so you could record it to your tape deck.  And if your didn’t have the station tuned in perfectly you had to deal with a static filled remix
5.    The joy of being so bored that you played stupid games like flashlight tag, TV tag, curb ball, and smear the queer.
6.    That Encyclopedia Britannica was Google.
7.    That an effeminate weirdo with a sweater fetish was not stranger danger
8.    That sports players were not free agents, and were rarely traded.  So when a player was drafted the norm was to play his entire career in one city, with one fan base that grew to worship them.
9.    That school desks were impervious to bombs.  (Remember bomb drills?)
10.    If you missed a TV show, that was it.  You’d just have to hear about it from your friends.
11.    That at the time V was the coolest thing ever.  Not the hot cheesy mess it looks like all these years later.
12.    That aliens came from Melmac and ate cats.
13.    That somehow there seemed to be more on TV when you could only get 4 channels in on your TV and another 3 that barely came in, and one that you could hear but the picture was all static than your 600 channel cable or satellite package.
14.    That Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby were funny.
15.    If you fell down somewhere it was your fault.  No lawyers were ever involved.
16.    MTV, MTV2 and VH1 were actually created to show music video’s all day, and helped people find music that just wasn’t getting radio play.  They weren’t 24/7 reality show channels.
17.    What the hell a 2 for Tuesday was
18.    That to see porn meant rifling through your dad’s drawers to find a Playboy.
19.    That you can trace the popularity of extreme sports back to a movie about time travel, involving Alex P. Keaton, Doc Brown and a flux capacitor
20.    That being able to get food in 2 minutes from a microwave was actually awe inspiring, not just the norm.
21.    That to play a video game, you had to pester your parents to take you to an arcade.  Where with good skill and a handful of quarters you could kill a whole day.
22.    That PacMan fever really did drive you crazy.
23.    Giddy up, oom poppa-omm poppa, mow-mow
24.    That a 30 something guy living above the garage of the Cunningham’s was the height of cool, not a sad sorry loser.  Aaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy.
25.    That some guy in a white jumpsuit stunt jumping a Harley over stuff was a national craze, and even had toys that every boy wanted to have.
26.    That Star Wars changed your life.
27.    That you left out trails of Reese’s pieces because you wanted an E.T. of your very own.
28.    That “Ho” was something that Thunder Cats said not a woman of ill repute.
29.    Pixie Sticks, and Dip Sticks (AKA Fun Dip).  Seriously flavored and colored pure sugar for kids to eat?
30.    Being kind meant rewinding
31.    That babies got trapped in wells
32.    That you always made sure there was at least one person further out in the ocean than you, after you saw Jaws…. and that you still do
33.    That you flipped and flopped around in the back seat unteathered.
34.    That seeing a boob in a movie was a big deal.
35.    That the best case for photographs was you got them a week later from the Pharmacy.  Worst case is they ended up in a box, in a drawer with a bunch of other undeveloped rolls.
36.    That Underoo’s were underwear that really were fun to wear
37.    That you would get in your pajamas, pile in the car, and go to the drive in movies… then go play on the playground all night.
38.    That every summer your whole family would pack up the car full of crap, and drive somewhere for your summer vacation.
39.    That if you were the youngest, you were the remote control.
40.    That you had to have a skill or talent to be famous.
41.    That no one had a clue what being politically correct was.
42.    That you were scared of the TV for a couple weeks after Poltergeist, and you asked someone to watch with you to be safe.
43.    Mmm bow – bow, chick-chick, chick-a-chicka-ka.
44.    That Flintstones Vitamins gave you super powers.  10 million strong and growing.
45.    That nobody bothers me.  Nobody bothers me either!
46.    They’ll never know how traumatic it was for thousands of kids to watch the Challenger explode live right before your eyes, in your classroom.
47.    They will never know the indignity of being forced to wear plaid polyester pants and a sweater vest on picture day.
48.    That the phrase Oh Yeah, goes hand in hand with large pitchers of Kool-Aide busting through the wall.
49.    That every 4 years you HAD to watch the Olympics, and if USSR won an event you took it personally.
50.    That Al Capone’s vault was the biggest TV cock tease of all time
51.    That stopping at a gas station to ask for directions was your GPS.
52.    Every time a Panda got knocked up it was national news that we were riveted to for months.
53.    That everyone watched Luke and Laura get married.
54.    That everyone knew who shot JR.
55.    That there was only one phone company.  Either you had service with them, or you didn’t have service.
56.    Hard copy style TV news didn’t exist.
57.    Some Hungarian named Rubik, created a cube that drove million’s crazy.
58.    People thought that Night of the Comet could be a work of non-fiction.  It was the Y2K of our time.
59.    That Euro Disney was destined to be the next big thing
60.    That when your NES would freeze, you take out the cartridge blow on it, put it in, jiggle it back and forth… and hit power.  AND as a last resort you jam another cartridge in there to hold that one down.  Could you imagine if tech support told you that for your Xbox or PS3?
61.    That when you started going to McDonalds the McNugget wasn’t even an option yet.  Not to mention the McRib, McGriddle, or the McCoronary.
62.    That Mikey liked it.
63.    That there was a great deal of concern as to the location of the beef
64.    You seriously considered dropping a friend because they were on the opposing side of the Coke / Pepsi debate.
65.    Why on earth everyone was supposed stand outside and hold hands at the same time.
66.    That we are the world.  We are the children.
67.    That Mike Tyson WAS the baddest man alive.
68.    That there was a time that the Sunday Comics were actually funny.
69.    That you had to eat vegetables that you didn’t want or it was an affront to malnourished kids in foreign countries
70.    Why Yaakov Smirnoff was funny
71.    That Tom Hanks cross dressed for a good apartment.
72.    That cousin Larry was Re-dic-u-lous
73.    Tammy Faye Bakker’s makeup
74.    Ollie North and his shredder
75.    That Max Headroom made stuttering c-c-c-c-ool.
76.    That there was a time when you could ask someone to touch your monkey and you wouldn’t get sued for sexual harassment.
77.    New York area beaches were a great place to find used medical waste.
78.    Farfegnugen
79.    Potatoe
80.    Fried eggs = my brain
81.    I got OJ in the car!  This is A.C.!  You know who this is damn it!
82.    Gamma Rays turn skinny weaklings into deaf, green bodybuilders
83.    Why Kevin Costner is a movie star.
84.    Who ya gonna call?
85.    How intense the promotion for Howard the Duck was, and how that has created a harder the PR push, the worse the movie corollary

In lieu of his recent DUI arrest in Phoenix in which he allegedly claimed to be on the prowl for oral sex former NBA star Charles Barkley will forgo a planned trip to Norway since the Scandinavian country has now passed ridiculous new prostitution laws (hypocrisy here) that would make Barkley a criminal. Norway allows the selling of sex but not the buying which is a Catch-22 on every legal level. Barkley, known for excessive drinking, gambling debts, throwing people through windows and threatening to run for Governor of Alabama never got his blow job but rumor is his wife is considering giving Sir Charles a freebie should the overweight loud mouth sober up in time for his court arraignment. Officials in Norway were relieved to know that the first visit by a person of color to their white world will be postponed indefinitely.

Still shell shocked from seven days of bombings Palestinians living in scenic Gaza now face a new threat in the form of heavily armed Israeli “civilians” walking their dogs in the war zone. The image at left is Jewish settler Eli Gold and his German Shepherd Blitzkrieg taking an evening stroll near Gaza City. Gold says he simply comes to exercise his buddy and the fact he is cleared to open fire on anything that moves is beside the point. Israel is preparing to bring in more pets via tanks and helicopters. The decision to use military equipment in transporting a select breed of attack dog is “purely coincidental” said the Director for Israel’s Gaza Dog Walking Project, Lt. Cpl. Avi Sharon.

Fran Fine Goes To Washington

Professional ear rapist Fran Drescher has decided to throw her widow peaked hat into the political ring for Hillary Clinton’s now vacant Senate seat. (Article Here)  Apparently the fact that President Elect Obama’s senate seat was put up for sale to the highest bidder by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was not a large enough slap in the face to American politics.  So now an actress with the sperm curdling voice and mass suicide inducing laugh is ready to jump into the mix to become our next corrupt and ineffectual politician.

I know that in the United States that we have a star worshipping culture that falsely attributes celebrity with trustworthiness, but I think the beginning of Ms. Drescher’s Wikipedia page really says it all.  “She is famous for her nasal voice, machine gun like laugh, widow’s peak hairline, and exaggerated Queens accent.”  You know I hear that is the exact same thing they said about Sandra Day O’Connor.

Admittedly Drescher has got to be the longest of long shots with names like Caroline Kennedy and Andrew Cuomo being bandied about for the empty seat, but what does it say that someone who’s resume includes pretending to be a nanny, and pretending to be a beautician believes they are qualified for the post?  The saddest thing is that after the surprising outcry of support for inexperienced and quite possibly illiterate moose chili culinarian Sarah Palin - the warped and damaged minds behind the political machine are saying to themselves “Hey people loved that Palin chick we need another hot broad in that seat”.

In the opinion of your good friend Great White, Sarah Palin set women in politics back at least a decade, but putting someone as inexperienced with jurisprudence as Drescher in a seat could be the death knell for many rightfully deserved women politicians.  Oh no - we can’t put her in…. let’s find us another pretty one - we can distract her with a $150,000 shopping spree like we did with that Eskimo broad.

Where does the insanity end?  Tie in with current shows lead actors, or maybe even just their characters?  Gregory House for Senate!

Let's Go To The Grotto, eh, eh, eh, eh!

Playboy Enterprises home of the Crypt Keeper has added to the job woes of the imploding and unstable US job market. (Article Here).  Chief Financial Bunny Linda Havard advised that one of the largest purveyors of tit’s and ass would “continue cost cutting” into 2009.  This comes on the heels (one of Hef’s favorite fetishes by the way) of a 14% cut in staff in 2008.  Budget cuts have been so wide ranging that long time “Girlfriends/Call Girls” Holly Madison and Kendra Wilson of “The Girls Next Door” fame have had their contracts terminated.

Havard noted that Madison and Wilson reached the critical age vs. costing ratio that ultimately leads to the employment termination for all Bunny/Trollops that reside within the walls of the hallowed whoring grounds of the Playboy Mansion.  While the 82 year old Hefner was not available for comment due to his recent surgery replacing his skeleton with pure concentrated Viagra.  Havard was more than happy to clue us in to some of the cost cutting measures that Playboy Enterprises was looking to undertake in 2009.

First and foremost Ms. Havard advised us that regardless of the amount of staff that may be inline for pink slips Mr. Hefner would not be liquidating any assets as he would prefer that he not actually feel any of the effects of the economic downturn himself.  The mansions, the jets, the paid girlfriends, the weekly stem cell therapy, and daily transfusions of blood from newborn babies would continue as scheduled indefinitely.  “Mr. Hefner’s responsibility is first and foremost to himself and his wrinkled and aged phallus.  Employees come after Mr. Hefner, his johnson, his companions, his real estate holdings, his vehicles, his animals, his colon maintenance, his parties, his pajama dry cleaning, his boner meds, grotto pool cleanings, and any other whim or interest that he may have a passing fancy in.”  Havard went on to explain that in order for the company to once again flourish the aging figurehead that no man under the age of 75 could possibly identify with must maintain his opulent and wasteful lifestyle or the entire company would be simply a farce.

So shareholders are urged to remember that while trimming the fat in 2009 budget, the hemmoraging money pit that is Mr. Hefner and the annual loss farm that is Playboy Magazine are not infact a drain on profitability.  In fact those pesky bastards that actually keep the company working and moving should be headed to the unemployment office.  Just for my own curiousity I wonder if the severence package includes a bunny?