Yankees Looking to Buy Back Runs
Hammerhead Snark | April 29, 2009
After a 10-10 start that has elicited responses of yawn to “you suck” the New York Yankees front office is proposing a scheme with Major League Baseball to participate in a controversial ‘run buy-back’ program that would allow the Bombers the chance to buy back runs that have been scored on them in blow outs so the beatings won’t look quite so bad in the record books. Overly concerned of the Yankee image during their inaugural season in a new stadium and with a ballooning payroll now topping $200 million the Steinbrener boys, Hank and Hal, hope to ease the humiliating pain that comes with double-digit losses to the Rays and Indians.
Toeing the traditional delusional Yankee line Hal Steinbrenner said nothing is wrong with the Yankees and that buying back runs is something daddy George had been looking into since Billy Martin was trashing dugouts in the late 70’s. “We’re 100% satisfied with the performance of our ball club,” Hal said while running from angry fans throwing knives stabbed through ticket stubs at him, “we just have a different definition of ‘mediocre’ than other teams.”
A-Rod enjoys another day of rehab
Currently the Yankees are listing in the proverbial perfect storm as Alex Rodriguez rehabs from off-season surgery and manages the fallout from his steroid admission, starting pitcher Chien-Mien Wang wastes on the DL and six-figure season ticket prices have fans wondering what they are paying for. Initial filing reports with the IRS show the Yankees in sound financial shape but several US congressman voiced concern when legislation was introduced by suspicious characters directing bailout and TARP funds to one specific construction project in the Bronx.
You can't afford to go here
The Yankees are an obnoxious force of economics that never met problems cash couldn’t solve. But since 2003 the Yanks have 0 pennants, spent crazy amounts on the ghost of Carl Pavano and the precious moments of Jason Giambi and jilted New Yorkers with a nice portion of the Stadium bill. Several seats in Yankee Stadium can fetch $225,000 for a full-season (roughly 82 games) and though the Yanks do offer more “economical” seating it’s in the form of obstructed view seats, the fabulous “Chelsea” section and distant rows reserved for sponsors who “paid” in trade.
In the Yankee world there is no recession, just whiny poor people who keep stealing championships using sickening fair play and quality starting pitching to thwart the Steinbrenner credit line. Recent wire taps done on offices in the Bronx reveal members of the Yankee brass have also floated ideas for printing their own money, declaring the Yankees an official bank and collecting proximity taxes on those fortunate enough to walk near their hallowed glory.
You can't spray off 'suck'
While the Yankees insist the run buy-back program won’t alter any wins or losses they are hopeful it can make people forget the awful performances the team has dumped on fans, especially the disturbingly comical 18-run loss to the Indians on April 18th. The Yankees are also looking into cash payments and incentive programs for erasing other blips in their storied history including a mosquito attack on Joba Chamberlain, Pedro Martinez’ refined DDT on Don Zimmer and every season the team didn’t win at least the AL pennant.
“If you see 8-4 rather than 22-4 you just feel a lot better about who you are and the incredible amounts of money you make,” Yankee outfielder Hideki Matsui said through a Japanese translator. The rest of the Yankees are also taking courses in Japanese so they can use such candor in explaining how a play-off caliber team gives up 126 runs in 20 games.
Teixeira nods and smiles
” It’s a lot like a mystery,” new first baseman Mark Teixeira said of the dismal start, “in Texas people would say it’s over but here it’s like ‘What problem?’ It’s kind of neat.” Teixeira is under contract for $180 million with the club and is currently batting .206. Along with new pitchers CC Sabthia ($161 million) and A.J. Burnett ($82.5 million) Teixiera is looking to expand the Yankee buy-back program to remove errors and other unseemly statistics that make for negative player perceptions.
Red Sox GM Theo Epstein gives his opinion
No word yet on how much the Yankees are offering per run and if other teams will be interested in losing runs but the Steinbrenner boys are confident the league will go along and have already started running promos on propaganda network YES with the tag line: Ta Da, Paying to See the Yankee Way.
