Snark Sharks

 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for Michael Phelps, Christian Bale and Alex Rodriguez. I’m sorry for idols, heroes, people who swim fast and actors with short tempers. But more than that I’m sorry for America and the pathetic people who inhabit it. In the past two weeks this nation of gossip gals, back-stabbers and witch hunters have had a field day turning on the very people they put on superficial pedestals. This country of yellow-bellied cowards, union members and hedge fund managers doesn’t deserve an apology. What they deserve is a well-placed slap across their smug faces for having the hypocritical nerve to expect contriteness from the very men they made into immortals. What’s the point of a pagan god if he can’t act like one?

 

 

So the Snark is proposing that Phelps, Bale, Rodriguez and any other troubled celebrity should never apologize for anything to anyone. It’s not that we condone or condemn bad behavior or lapses in judgment but the “crimes” committed by these made-up idols pales in comparison to the abhorrent rape of justice and law that has plagued this nation since it was founded.

 

Drawing our own conclusions based on sheer bias we present a side-by-side comparison of those dragged before the salivating masses of public opinion and the rogue swine that continue to defecate on morals, integrity and decency.

 

 

First off is Phelps, the goofy looking kid who swims fast. This 23-year old aquatic dynamo somehow turned into a re-incarnation of Zeus at the Beijing Olympics and because he could swim faster than several other people was crowned king of current American heroes. Did Phelps cure cancer, end world hunger or rescue the global economy from certain collapse? No, he dove in a pool and swam really fast. And for that skill Americans hoisted this chosen one to a level beyond mortals.

 

 

 

Then Phelps was caught on film toking some marijuana at a party in South Carolina. Faster than you can say “swims fast” Phelps was banned from US Swimming for three months, lost his endorsement deal with Kellogg’s (the producers of such nutritious sugar laced foods as Pop Tarts and Fruit Loops), has been threatened with criminal charges and was forced to publicly apologize for so disgracing our holier-than-thou peanut gallery of soccer moms and castrated dads peddling insurance. How dare you get high at a party when the fate of a nation rests on your shoulders? Would Americans be happy if Phelps publicly drowned himself as punishment?

 

 

And while Phelps is busy flogging himself to the delirious delight of our television slaves a pile of animal shit like Bernard Madoff doesn’t have to utter a word of regret for single-handedly blowing $50 billion in a bizarre Ponzi scheme that emptied the savings of hundreds of people and forced numerous charities to close. It’s OK, Bernie, you’re fine, just don’t let the fascist watchdogs catch you doing something really bad, like having a drink.

 

 

 

Another celebrity recently found to be (gasp) less than human is volatile actor Christian Bale who lost his temper on the set of (god help us) another Terminator movie. Though Bale isn’t American he is a part of Hollywood and henceforth an American by default. Bale was in character and trying to focus when Shane Hurlbut, a lighting technician, casually walked into the scene and disrupted his concentration. Bale went ballistic and tore into Hurlbut with a profanity-laced tirade that became an Internet sensation. Never mind that Hurlbut has a documented habit of disturbing scenes and acting like an obnoxious ass during filming (true dat) it was the sinister Bale who caught flak for telling the lighting guy to stay the fuck out of his way when he’s working.

 

 

 

 

Not many people consider acting a “job” and calling it “work” is a bit silly but it is Bale’s profession and to purposefully distract him is rude and impolite. But the Hollywood hounds would not rest until Bale apologized for being, well, human. I suppose we just take for granted that it was Bale’s focus and seriousness that resurrected the Batman franchise from the god-awful performances of Chris O’Donnell, Jim Carrey and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently some of us are only grateful when it’s convenient.

 

 

And while Bale goes on the record saying he acted immature and unprofessional good ole boys like George W. Bush and Karl Rove laugh at a justice system they fire bombed while ignoring subpoenas and wiping their lily white asses with the Constitution. It’s not like Bale circumvented Congress to start an unjust and illegal war for oil that has killed hundreds of thousands of people, misled the American public with lies and phony evidence or personally oversaw the worst collapse of the US economy since the Great Depression. No, had Bale done that he’d be given a library at Southern Methodist University and get out of jail free cards under the guise of executive privilege.

 

 

 

Last but not least is the recent report that New York Yankees 3^rd baseman Alex Rodriguez may have tested positive in 2003 for using steroids. Baseball unofficially elected A-Rod to be the savior of a sport run sour after real stand up men like Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa pissed all over the game. A-Rod has had his share of bad press including a supposed affair with Madonna, public jabs from teammate Derek Jeter and former manager Joe Torre and being spotted at an illegal card game.

 

 

But now A-Rod is under the gun for possibly being just like everyone else in baseball and using a substance that was not even illegal to the game in 2003. It doesn’t matter that the Sports Illustrated muckrakers who dug up the “confidential” test results acted in bad judgment, possibly in violation of the law and undoubtedly in an attempt to remain relevant as their magazine nears extinction, they found a defect in A-Rod and now the crucifixion can begin. Run Dan Patrick, you’re the only one worth saving.

 

Next up to spit on the ground A-Rod walks will be the spineless collection of Baseball Writers of America who hold the almighty power of who is elected into Baseball’s Hall of Fame. Dare we ask to rummage though their past for a plagiarized paragraph or half-ass game recap? Consider the Baseball writers to be the equivalent of BCS voters who secretly, vindictively and selfishly select personal favorites to be awarded titles and honors. A-Rod has been found guilty of being talented, attractive and wealthy. May he burn in hell for eternity.

 

 

 

 

Again, we don’t condone the acts of the aforementioned celebrities but we will offer this warning… if you keep tearing down the idols you create in time you will have nothing left but the unapologetic swindlers who are responsible for the real crimes that cause actual damage. The choice is yours but this is one American who would rather get high with Phelps, cuss out stage hands with Bale and live the charmed life with A-Rod then have to stand anywhere near the likes of Bush, Rove, Madoff and the horde of fashion-challenged dung beetles known as sports journalists.