Snark Sharks

Let's Go To The Grotto, eh, eh, eh, eh!

Playboy Enterprises home of the Crypt Keeper has added to the job woes of the imploding and unstable US job market. (Article Here).  Chief Financial Bunny Linda Havard advised that one of the largest purveyors of tit’s and ass would “continue cost cutting” into 2009.  This comes on the heels (one of Hef’s favorite fetishes by the way) of a 14% cut in staff in 2008.  Budget cuts have been so wide ranging that long time “Girlfriends/Call Girls” Holly Madison and Kendra Wilson of “The Girls Next Door” fame have had their contracts terminated.

Havard noted that Madison and Wilson reached the critical age vs. costing ratio that ultimately leads to the employment termination for all Bunny/Trollops that reside within the walls of the hallowed whoring grounds of the Playboy Mansion.  While the 82 year old Hefner was not available for comment due to his recent surgery replacing his skeleton with pure concentrated Viagra.  Havard was more than happy to clue us in to some of the cost cutting measures that Playboy Enterprises was looking to undertake in 2009.

First and foremost Ms. Havard advised us that regardless of the amount of staff that may be inline for pink slips Mr. Hefner would not be liquidating any assets as he would prefer that he not actually feel any of the effects of the economic downturn himself.  The mansions, the jets, the paid girlfriends, the weekly stem cell therapy, and daily transfusions of blood from newborn babies would continue as scheduled indefinitely.  “Mr. Hefner’s responsibility is first and foremost to himself and his wrinkled and aged phallus.  Employees come after Mr. Hefner, his johnson, his companions, his real estate holdings, his vehicles, his animals, his colon maintenance, his parties, his pajama dry cleaning, his boner meds, grotto pool cleanings, and any other whim or interest that he may have a passing fancy in.”  Havard went on to explain that in order for the company to once again flourish the aging figurehead that no man under the age of 75 could possibly identify with must maintain his opulent and wasteful lifestyle or the entire company would be simply a farce.

So shareholders are urged to remember that while trimming the fat in 2009 budget, the hemmoraging money pit that is Mr. Hefner and the annual loss farm that is Playboy Magazine are not infact a drain on profitability.  In fact those pesky bastards that actually keep the company working and moving should be headed to the unemployment office.  Just for my own curiousity I wonder if the severence package includes a bunny?