Snark Sharks

 

Earlier this week President-elect Barack Obama and his wife Michelle were invited on a tour of the White House by the unelected president-figure known as George Bush. While a cordial and polite tour was shown to reporters and staff in the afternoon an earlier meeting actually took place between the incoming leader and the outgoing criminal that shed even more harsh light on the sorry state of the US executive office and the once pristine White House.

 

 

 

 

 

Around 10:30am on Monday morning Obama and his wife Michelle arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and rang the doorbell… a dozen times. Shouts and cursing could be heard through the door and then an empty bottle of tequila crashed through an upstairs window. Obama was ready to leave when an inebriated Bush dressed in piss-stained boxer shorts, white socks and sandals and nursing a Bloody Mary opened the door and asked “my brotha” if Michelle was the “new ho” and if she had any “40’s”.

 

 

Obama and his wife were taken back by the drunken state of our supposed leader and almost left when Bush belched loudly and scratched his crotch with an Elect McCain button.

 

 

Hesitant but eager to make a good first impression the Obama’s entered the White House and as one aide said after it felt as if they had “walked into the burning embers of an almost finished frat party”. Near the front door was a small cage housing the Sith Lord known as Dick Cheney who snarled at the Obama’s and angrily threw his feces in their direction. He missed and Bush laughed off the behavior as “Dick being Dick”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obama did his best to fit in by wearing a black cowboy hat that excited Bush very much. Bush offered Obama a beer but the preseident-elect declined saying it was too early in the morning. Bush, using his favorite lines from Mr. Mom then offered him scotch instead. Obama again declined drawing an angry glare from Bush. 

 

 

 

 

Michelle excused herself at this point to use the restroom where she found Bush’s wife Laura prepping for the day by washing down a Percocet with some Chardonnay and a few drags off a menthol cigarette. Laura mumbled some form of greeting and then continued to stuff towels and sheets into her suitcase.

 

 

Bush did his best to make the Obama’s feel welcome. He even invited the first couple of crack, the now divorced Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown to entertain the guests hoping other black people would make the Obama’s more comfortable. However, when Whitney drew blood on her arm from crack craving scratching and Bobby bitch smacked her “just ’cause” Bush aides ushered the crazed couple into the Green Room where they belted out a funky rendition of “I Will Always Love You”. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bush then took Obama for an impromptu tour of the White House, stumbling along the walls and slurring his speech as he consistently struggled to identify particular portraits, rooms and furniture. Bush did perk up a bit when his favorite bunny made a surprise appearance to pick up his syringe and heroin stash he had left the night before. Bush cuddled up to the giant rabbit and Obama is almost positive he saw Bush try to dry hump the poor bunny’s leg.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bush then took Obama aside to let him in on a little secret. Bush told Obama he had absolutely no idea what he’s doing or has been doing and that all of the files and paperwork detailing the accounts of the past eight years were locked away in a special room. Bush led Obama to the pantry but pretended he couldn’t get the door open. Bush made a silly face, sipped from his drink and said “race you to the pool”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obama watched Bush skip down the corridor and looked at one of his aides for support. The aide simply shrugged and graciously tipped the half-naked underage girl who was passing around Jell-O shots.

 

 

Obama caught up with Bush at the pool where Bush’s father, former President George Herbert Walker Bush was circling the pool in his boat. Obama got a free ride as the younger Bush put on his goggles and shouted “beer bong underwater” before jumping in the deep end. The senior Bush put a hand on Obama’s shoulder and apologized for his son’s behavior but as soon as little Bush popped his head up daddy yelled “Marco” and the game was on.

 

 

 

 

 

Obama got off the boat and made haste for the house. Inside he found Michelle holding Laura up in the kitchen and trying to revive her. Several Bush staffers dressed in togas and hauling golf bags noticed the Obama’s and one nervously exclaimed, “holy crap, is it January already?” Another shrugged and kept walking saying all of this is covered under “executive privilege”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obama grabbed Michelle and propped Laura up by the refrigerator and led his wife to the main corridor. By now the special room Bush referred to was spewing smoke as a fire had conspicuously been lit when the secret service had let the Cheney out of his cage for a morning run.

 

 

 

 

 

The Obama’s made it out safely and were escorted to their vehicle where another aide told them the official visit wasn’t until 1:00pm. Obama and his wife got into the black Navigator and were about to drive off when Bush crashed into the side of the vehicle with his golf cart. Bush fell out of the cart and took a wild swing at the hood of the Navigator before falling backwards and passing out on the front lawn. As the Navigator drove off Obama turned to his wife and suggested they find a cleaning service ASAP.