Snark Sharks

 

One time pop star and now genuine alien freak Michael Jackson has finally given up the deed to his little shop of horrors also known as the Neverland Ranch just northwest of Santa Barbara in California (story). The infamous property that was designed to be a child’s dream playground turned into a nightmare after a number of allegations of sexual abuse and inappropriate conduct came to trial.

 

 

 

 

Jackson was acquitted on several charges and settled out of court with other families for undisclosed payments. Facing increasing financial trouble, in March Jackson owed $24 million on the property, Jacko has relinquished the deed of the eerie compound to the Sycamore Valley Ranch Company. What will become of the property Jackson bought in 1987 is unknown but the Snark has learned that several interesting characters are in line to claim the Neverland Ranch.

 

 

Jackson was once hailed as the King of Pop, the driving force behind international hit songs including “Billie Jean”, “Thriller” and “Rock With You” all following his early success with his brothers in the legendary band The Jackson 5. But the Jackson family turned out to be a bizarre cult-like circus collection of manipulators and whackos that could barely keep from trying to kill one another. Because of his success Michael was thought to be immune from his family’s troubles but in fact he would embody the damage done by becoming a train wreck of plastic surgery, skin whitening, sexual confusion and diminishing musical ability.

 

 

 

 

 

Jackson’s odd behavior is well documented and includes buying the skeletal remains of John Merrick (aka the Elephant Man), lugging around a chimp named Bubbles and turning the stomachs of every decent human being when he made out with Lisa Marie Presley on live television. All of that was considered strange but when accusations of child molestation began to rain down on Jackson’s head his eccentricity didn’t help his cause. Jackson avoided conviction but the episodes left him physically and mentally drained, not to mention on the verge of bankruptcy as he faced mounting legal bills and several out of court settlements to the families of the accusers.

 

 

 

 

Civic leaders and socially conscience people were hoping the Neverland Ranch would be destroyed but after the announcement of the deed transfer a few names came to light as potential buyers of the property.

 

 

OJ Simpson: Though the former football star and murderer is in his own financial ruin and is again facing trial for more unlawful behavior and weapons charges he has expressed interest in living out his halcyon days in Neverland where he won’t have to grow up either. The Juice also avoided a conviction when the late Johnnie Cochran made a mockery of the justice system in getting Simpson acquitted of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Simpson has been living in a delusional world since the “Trial of the Century” (still not sure which century) and is under the impression that he can somehow afford the 2,800-acre property that features a zoo and fairground.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Macaulay Culkin: The child actor that shot to stardom by placing both hands on his face and looking surprised was a frequent guest of Jackson’s infamous sleepovers and is also sending out feelers for a potential buy on the land. Culkin has had his own troubles including a non-existent acting career, drug and alcohol problems and not staying 9 years old but he believes he can resurrect his once Midas touch in films by returning to the scene of so many crimes and cleansing his soul of the 1994 disaster Richie Rich. Culkin never accused Jackson of inappropriate behavior but most believe that is because the Home Alone star secretly enjoyed the frequent late night games of “Where’s Michael’s Penis”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rupert Murdoch: The god-awful tabloid schmuck from Australia who bears a sickening resemblance to the devil himself is interested in using the ranch as headquarters for his sorry stable of newspaper rags that includes the New York Post and The Sun. Since nothing that went on at the Neverland Ranch had any basis in reality the setting will be perfect for the made up stories full of spelling and grammar errors that infest the diarrhea coming out of his “newsrooms”.

 

 

Rumor is Murdoch also wants a safe house to store the conservative cyborg known as Bill O’Reilly should humanity tire of his boorish and bullying behavior and attempt to permanently retire the reincarnation of Nazi propaganda minister Josef Goebbels.

 

 

 

Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor: Two of planet earth’s happier people have hinted that the Neverland Ranch would make for a great music recording studio and a perfect setting for their planned civil union. While neither is homosexual each believes that a combination of their dark and depressed powers in matrimony would allow them to live forever and in time turn Jackson to an even more sinister Goth side that would make “Thriller” look like a stupid dance routine choreographed by American Idol drunk Paula Abdul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No official inquiry has been made by any of the above named people and it is unclear whether Sycamore Valley has any interest in selling the property. One major obstacle to any further transfer of the deed is the fact that before vacating the premises Jackson pissed in every corner of the house to mark his territory and that only a High Priest of the Catholic Church could exorcise the scent.