Snark Sharks

The pirates are coming!

The Snark has just returned from an exclusive 2-week stay with real Somali pirates and files the following postcard… Amid hunger and confusion, weapons and water, strange languages and poor nautical steering we landed aboard the Ukrainian ship MV Faina to little or no fanfare. A brute of a sailor spat on the deck when seeing armed militia scatter over the ships’ rails and sighed. Indeed, the site of malnourished pirates hijacking tankers and other cargo vessels have become so routine in these waters that several recruiting offices have sprung up in Eritrea, Yemen and Oman to process the stacks of applications. In addition to being a lucrative and exciting alternative to sand-related jobs piracy is becoming a resurrected form of male bonding that is enticing the underprivileged to participate in outreach programs that enhance their networking skills and provide real hands-on experience for a future in a variety of cargo trafficking.

“No work home,” says Ali Alah A’ight. “Here I ride in power boat, travel cross water, scale tankers, meet people, take them hostage and ask ransom. I feel like I’m Chinaman making great economic stride.”

He's A'ight

Prospects have been slim for most of the Red Sea region’s unemployed and uneducated. Most have joined rival clans of fighting warlords or enlisted with al-Qaeda, almost none want to provide tech support for idiot PC users. A third option has risen and the fast-track career of pirating is giving a generation hope for the future.

“I think after here I go Caribbean or Great Lakes,” says Om il-Um, a fourteen-year old on his fifth mission. “Be like old pirates seek redemption or just domestic terror.”

Il-Um is adept at navigating small watercraft near big tankers, handling both Chinese and Russian made AK-47’s and RPG’s and rates his negotiating skills as “fair”. It is a resume as common in East Africa as Asset Manager in America, but with the world economy teetering on recession these qualifications position il-Um and opportunists like him to profit on the mad scramble for goods that is surely around the corner.

In fourteen days we had the chance to live each precious moment with these special people, share in their cigarette and kat smoking, idleness, rotating naps and watch shifts, arguments about Chopin and Degas, weapon checking and pending Wall Street legislation. Many sang freely of a home by the sea and a fair maiden waiting while others occasionally killed a hostage since a deadline had passed. It was a merry bunch of skinny folk and it made the Snark aware of what it means to be a pirate.

“Here, we shot callers, we big ballers,” said one anonymous pirate wielding a machete. “We take ship and make our ship. We make the world go round, we make the love come down. Hibachi!”

Hostages, also known as "new friends"

While serious negotiations take place among heads of state and United Nations officials the pirates themselves enjoy impromptu fashion shows on the main decks and unlimited gambling below. Recently pirates have also entertained hostages with puppet theatre and interpretive dancing.

“We bring sun to dance on fields of water,” another pirate claims. “In bleeding our hearts yell happy we.”

Broken English aside most of the pirates operating off the east coast of Africa are simply preparing for bigger paydays trafficking better cargo elsewhere,

“This nice, this home, but only weapons come,” another anonymous buccaneer said. “I like to raid ships in Hong Kong or London. Much big commodity booty.”

Danger!

The MV Faina is being held for $20 million though most ransoms average much less. The Faina happens to house over 33 Russian T-72 tanks bound for the South Sudan hence the hefty bounty. While most hostage situations are resolved peacefully and a portion of a ransom is paid many pirates feel the pressure of international condemnation as Russian and US warships head to the region.

“Soon, this not be such easy work,” A’ight says. “First we worry Westerners come to take jobs away but now we worry they come kill us like usual.”

Already former employees from Bear Stearns have inquired about setting up on-land financing operations for the pirate ranks and before telling investors to take their money and run mad man Jim Cramer put heavy buy recommendations on bandanas, skull and cross bone artwork and parrots.

Most pirates don't dress like this

As the credit and banking crisis continues to wreck markets around the world the idea of piracy is becoming more attractive for the jobless. American audiences flocked to the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy and the fantasy of riding the high seas in search of treasure and adventure is now more than a dream, it’s a well paying career.

“We don’t have, but we can take,” says il-Um.

Somalia will be holding pirate try-outs at the end of the month in port cities Mogadishu, Hobyo and Kismayo for any and all interested. Bring one form of identification, bottled water and a weapon of your choice.