Snark Sharks

Please Buy My Album. Do these corn rows make me look relevant?

Editor’s Note - Ok Kids me and Hammer have been busy with our annual Atlantic Ocean migration - so today we are going to bring you something from our Best Of that you might have missed - Great White

So by now you’ve read that the mythical bigfoot is real. (If I have to tell you I’m kidding please go get yourself sterilized now) Seems a couple of backwoods sister lovers are telling us that they have conclusive evidence in a freezer that they in fact have found Bigfoot.  Now what our good friends Matt Whitton and Mark Dyer failed disclose is that when they found the den for Bigfeet (Bigfoots?) that they were running around moshing and listening to Axl Rose’s long awaited Chinese Democracy Album on their iPod Touches, while doing bong hits, and anally raping Bambi’s mother.

Now really, I can’t tell you which is the least believable story.  The Bigfoot Hunters, Axl’s or Mine.  Probably Axls.  For you kiddies that are too young to know Axl is the lead singer of what was one of the most influential and ground breaking rock and roll bands of the past 20 years.  In 1987 GnR dropped Appetite for Destruction - which now all this time later we know should have been called Appetite for Self Destruction.  If you take a look at the Billboard Top 100 of 1987 you can see that it was filled with such artists as: Richard Marx, Tiffany, Chris DeBurgh, Samantha Fox, Bruce Willis (yes that Bruce Willis) and Kenny G.  If you look at the absolute crap that was playing on the radio at the time it reads like your local “light fm” radio station play list.  I Wanna Dance With Somebody, Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now, At This Moment, The Lady In Red, Little Lies, The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You.  UGH!  I’d rather lose my dorsal fin to a impotent Asian than listen to that crap.

It took a little while for GnR to catch fire but when they did, man you couldn’t turn on MTV without seeing Welcome To the Jungle, Paradise City or Sweet Child O’ Mine.  (Kids as a note at one time MTV was known as Music Television, and they used to show music videos.  You probably aren’t aware that something like this even existed as all the channels that at one time dared to show videos: MTV, MTV2, VH1 now all show the crappy reality shows that actually drain any ounce of intelligence that the double barrel bong hits hasn’t taken from you yet.) As much as I state to you that this was one of the most influential albums of the next 10 years you really can’t understand it unless you grew up during that time.  If U2 was the Led Zeppelin of my generation, then GnR was the Pink Floyd - pushing boundaries doing things bigger, better and crazier than anyone else.  They breathed life in to a truly dead genre.  All you need as proof is to look at the music of the 90′;, grunge and alternative rock owe their very livelihood to GnR.

After the speed bump that was the racially and homophobically charged Lies EP, and a few drunken and drugged out awards shows the band went back to the studio for a year and came back with the force of nature that was Use Your Illusion.  This monster on disk was an unheard of two disk album.  Not only that, but both disks were packed with hit after hit after hit.  If they were the Beatles this would have been like dropping Sgt Peppers and Abbey Road in a two disk set.  But this is where things began to go horribly wrong for GnR.

Their tour for Use Your Illusion was filled with such good times as riots, rambling rants mid performance by Axl, and Rose walking out in the middle of a show because security had the balls not to kill with extreme predjudice some schmo with a video camera.  Similar scenes unfolded in Germany and Montreal.  Seriously dude what do you have to do to the Canadians to get them to riot?  People in Montreal are so sickly nice, when I was in town I wanted to start a knife fight just to feel at home.  I just ate a French Canadian instead, they taste like maple syrup and gravy in case you’re wondering.  Then the wheels really came completely off the GnR bus with the The Spaghetti Incident?.  An album filled with punk and glam rock covers and a cover of a Charles Manson song.  Oh Axl, you are so non conformist!

So then Axl took the band back to the studio.  I’m pretty sure he went back to the studio so that he could get the entire band in one enclosed space so that the only inevitable outcome was everyone quit the band.  This was the beginning of the album Chinese Democracy.  For 14 long years Axl has been losing his voice, recording in the studio, hiring guys with KFC buckets on their head to play guitar, and continually threatening to release an album.”release”.  I don’t think anyone at the record label even thinks the damn thing is going to drop.  I picture a bunch of bored exec’s sitting around a conference table going - man everyone is STEALING our music on the series of tubes, it really chaps my ass.  Yeah, you know this year I couldn’t afford to buy two brand new Maybach’s, I could only afford one.  I know what will cheer you up!  Let’s have marketing write up another release that Chinese Democracy is dropping in Q2 - lets even give them a date!  Nooooo they’ll never believe it, seriously what is this like the 103rd time?  Well the first 102 worked like a charm.  Ahhhhhhhhh shucks you guys know how to cheer me up.

So quite like Bigfoot, Chinese Democracy is back in the news,  But the caveat is that Axl is in negotiations to have an exclusivity deal with……… fucking Wal-mart.  Walmart.  One more time, Walmart.  (See Article Here).  One of the greatest rock bands there ever was and Axl chased every member but himself out, wallowed away making an album that noone cares about anymore for more than a decade, and now he’s in negotitations to exclusively sell the new GnR album in the land of the lyrically edited album.  The band that once performed a song named “Back Off Bitch”, is going to be homogenized, pasteurized and sold between the Jonas Brothers, and Miley Ray Cyress.

Axl, I think at this point you need to take Chinese Democracy, and the gaggle of ass clowns that you are pretending are Guns ‘N Roses and heed one of your own lyrics:

“I see you standing there

You Think You’re so cool

Why don’t you just….

FUCK OFF!”