Snark Sharks

This man is sick

With the NBA season set to tip off this week New York Knick fans were teased by the report that former head coach, and possibly the worst human being ever, Isiah Thomas tried to kill himself by over-dosing on sleeping pills (story). In June of 2006 Thomas took over as coach of the hapless Knicks and led them on a dark and dismal path to irrelevancy winning 56 games and losing 108. Sexual harassment lawsuits, horrible trades and the audacity of Thomas himself marred the former NBA all-star point guard’s tenure. Thomas refused to accept any blame for New York’s woes, constantly insulted the Knick fans and drove a storied franchise into the depths of basketball hell. And now the clueless coward is again cranking up his denial machine to pin the latest fiasco on his daughter.

This past Friday just after midnight an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Thomas’ mansion in Westchester, NY and took, according to police, a 47-year-old male to a local hospital and treated him for an overdose. However, when reached for comment Thomas told the reputable New York Post that it was in fact his 17-year-old daughter Lauren who had OD’d and that the Thomas family was going through some tough times. While such behavior may come as a shock to many this type of bullshit is nothing new to any of the poor folk who have had the misfortune of watching Thomas destroy the CBA, Toronto Raptors and Knicks on his quest to ruin everything he touches and denying he is at fault.

Thomas & Rodman, manly men

As a point guard Thomas had few equals. Even though he stood only 6’1” Thomas was able to use superior ball-handling skills, court smarts and deft passing to lead Indiana University to an NCAA title and the Detroit Pistons to two NBA titles. But for all of his talent Thomas quickly garnered a reputation as a dirty player who routinely instigated fights only to hide behind enforcers like Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman when retaliation was in order. Thomas would have run to the dirtiest player ever, Bill Laimbeer, but the thought of being helped by a white guy was too much for Zeke the Cheat to handle.

Thomas and good buddy Jordan

Thomas also had a history of dissing contemporary greats. He once infamously backed up Rodman saying that had Boston Celtic great Larry Bird been black he would have been just another “good guy”. He also orchestrated the bitch freeze-out of Michael Jordan in the 1985 All-Star game in which Thomas saw to it that the Eastern Conference players did not pass to Jordan who attempted only nine shots in the game.

Thomas’ feud with Jordan continued when in a 1991 play-off game Thomas led the Pistons off the court with 7.9 seconds remaining refusing to shake hands with Jordan and the Bulls. Rumor has it Jordan was instrumental in keeping Thomas off the 1992 Olympic Basketball Dream Team as revenge.

In 1991 Utah power forward Karl Malone had enough of Thomas’ antics and elbowed the little vixen in the head on a lane drive that required forty stitches. Unfortunately the jab did nothing to re-wire Thomas’ extremely messed up head.

Hard times

After Thomas retired he became part owner and Executive VP of the Toronto Raptors but bolted in 1998 when disagreements with new management made it obvious the primma donna wasn’t going to get his way. Then Thomas bought the Continental Basketball Association and refused an $11 million offer from the NBA to use the CBA as an official minor league. The CBA suffered and Thomas bailed on the team owners. Many accused Thomas of sabotaging the league so the NBDL could be formed.

Hey there Mr. Happy Pants

In 2003 Thomas became President of the Knicks and under the guidance and encouragement of Idiot Son #1 James Dolan led the franchise on a downward spiral that featured last place finishes, the hiring and firing of Larry Brown and trades for super malcontent Stephon Marbury and the laziest man on earth Eddy Curry. While the misanthrope twins are still with the team neither plays much anymore but both are paid well to sulk on the bench. Marbury nets $19 million a year, Curry gets $8 million. 

Knick fans do the right thing

Thomas also cost the Knicks $11.6 million when the team lost a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by former team employee Anucha Brown-Sanders who accused Thomas of inappropriate behavior and sexist language that forced her out the door. Thomas disagreed with the verdict, of course, saying he was sorry the jury didn’t see things his way. Thomas also once said that Knick fans just didn’t understand the game of basketball the way he did. Apparently you either live in Isiah’s fantasy world of white noise and delusion or you stand outside the imaginary lines and bang your head against a wall trying to comprehend this liar’s circus. 

The Snark has watched Thomas closely the past few years and has come up with the following conclusion: Isiah Thomas is a self-loathing homosexual who is probably only a month or two away from succeeding in his noble pursuit of ending his own life. Thomas has fathered a gay son who he refuses to acknowledge, Marc Edward Thomas Donnes, even though DNA tests prove the kid is his. Thomas has gone out of his way to be an incorrigible misogynist and his desperate attempts to hide his sexuality behind false macho bravado has ruined more than a few people’s lives.

Which way to sanity?

And now the manipulative little worm is again teetering on the edge of insanity by consuming vast quantities of sleeping pills and denying the evidence by throwing his daughter under the bus, as Harrison, NY Police Chief David Hall so eloquently told the Associated Press. Here’s hoping next time no one bothers to call 911 and the nightmare that is Isiah Lord Thomas quietly drifts off to sleep forever.