Snark Sharks

 

Beating the BCS to the punch and trimming every other poll around the Snark presents Eight is Enough, our guide to the only teams that matter in college football. We want to lend our voice to the call for a college football playoff system and we propose a quarter-final, semi-final and final format to determine the best team in NCAA Division 1 men’s football. No need for Top 25’s, Top 20’s or even Top 10’s. We’re in a recession and heading for a depression so we all need to make do with less. Eight gives you all the proven names and room fore one or two exceptions. 

 

 

 

 

 

The system is simple enough: 8 teams qualify, #1 plays #8 in Miami, #2 plays #7 in Pasadena, #3 plays #6 in New Orleans and #4 plays #5 in Tempe. The winners square off in a football Final Four in a rotating city from the four mentioned. Then the title game, again in a city from the pool. Basically, the Orange, Rose, Sugar and Fiesta bowls survive and every other TCBY Lickety-Split Bowl can fight among the remains to host games almost no one will watch.  

 

Let the BCS talk their way around the fundamental flaws of not having a tournament to decide their champion. In time enough people will appreciate the ease of the Eight and we’ll finally get a real undisputed champion. There’s no need to argue or debate with the boy’s club of the BCS. They make good money and that’s all they know. But if enough people believe in an alternate reality then it supplants reality and becomes… reality. So if the season ended tomorrow here’s who we’d like to see compete in an eight-team playoff.

 

 

#1)    Alabama: Tide had Dawgs tapping out in 2nd quarter. Plenty of SEC traps ahead but right now ‘Bama is kicking ass and taking names… Kentucky, you’re next. 

#2)    Oklahoma: The Snark is very suspect of the Big 12 but in October even Oklahoma State looks good. Sooners may score 100 against Baylor and run that little mascot horse to death.

#3)    LSU: Tigers look vulnerable but defense is solid. One week off to prepare for Gator team still smarting from Rebel ambush. Plan to spend off week diagramming sentences.

#4)    Missouri: The other Tigers tangle with Nebraska on Saturday night to shed more light on the legitimacy of their billing as a scoring machine. Mizzou hasn’t won in Lincoln since 1978. 

#5)    Penn State: Even with all the pot smoking, arrests and calls from the principal the Lions are undefeated. Penn State hasn’t scored fewer than 38 points so far or made it through a week without a visit from the police. 

#6)    Texas: We’re so suspect of the Big 12 we have three reps in our inaugural poll. But Texas closes out the ticket with another high scoring team yet to be tested. 

#7)    Utah: Room for one dark horse and since Utes beat Oregon State which upset then #1 ranked USC we allow the Mormons in the mix. (Also eyeing BYU as a token-religious school).

#8)    USC: Trojans give our poll at least one 1-loss team with potential to reload quick and impress against their remaining foes. Southern Cal’s vaunted defense got blitzed by 4′3″ Jacquizz Rodgers.  

 

 

Games to Watch:

 

 

Florida State @ Miami: No longer a #1 vs. #2 wide-right/wide-left affair in the Orange Bowl but no less a hate-filled eye-gouging game of bitter state rivals. Both teams feature young talent and the uniforms of previous national powers so if you keep telling yourself it’s 1992 the game may be more interesting. Keep an eye on: everyone. Again the ‘Noles and ‘Canes are stocked with fleet little fuckers who can turn a 10-yard out into an 80-yard jailbreak. Also watch FSU coach Bobby Bowden who is so old he could die at any moment. 

 

Stanford @ Notre Dame: Otherwise snooty snore fest got juiced this week when Cardinal lineman Chris Marinelli said what so many have been thinking for years… Christ do we hate Notre Dame (rant). The Snark is split on the Irish but Marinelli was quite snarky himself with the taunts and if you want to see a blatant cheap shot on an offensive lineman then tune in.

 

 

 

Drivers Education:

 

Notre Dame tight end Will Yeatmen drove around silly with alcohol on several occasions and now he’s looking at jail time. Yeatman, a 6′6″ 265lb Junior from San Diego thought so much of his scholarship that he drank several toasts to it and swerved out of his driveway to celebrate at a local pub. Yeatman was already serving probation on DUI busts when he was nailed again for reckless driving while liquored up on September 21^st (last call). Yeatman is claiming these ‘cars’ keep setting him up every time he drinks and he will appeal the irrefutable evidence. Yeatman had only 6 catches for Notre Dame but often brought refreshments to practice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He hasn’t terrorized a college campus since 1996 but Lawrence Phillips is still scaring the shit out of people everywhere. The wayward former Husker star running back has just been sentenced to 10 years for attacking three people with his car in a Los Angeles park after Phillips was on the losing side of a pick-up game (story). Phillips was remembered for his power running style and forceful way of showing women down the stairs. Phillips is planning on starting up a search engine optimization company while in the joint and also hopes to catch up on some reading.