Snark Sharks

 

Four weeks is plenty of time for contestants to start prancing into place for the Snark Shark Diva-Ceiver poll. With a presidential election in one month, the Dallas reunion in two months and a chance for the biggest divas in football to kiss in Big D tomorrow we present the first edition of the regular season Diva-Ceivers.  And no surprise it’s co-owned by Chad Eight Five and Terrell Owens. 

 

For weeks cynical viewers like the Snark have waited for the nicey nice act of TO, Plax and Eight Five to fizzle and fade into a kitty litter dust up of attitude, me-ism and sunglasses. And in one glorious week the divas of the receiver corps stepped up and announced it’s Showtime.

 

 

 

 

On Sunday the winless Bengals will travel to Dallas and feel the wrath of a Cowboy team stunned last week by Washington. Dallas is a wee bit over-rated but the ‘Boys are still darn good and Cincy is in for a beat down. However, irascible receiver Chad Eight Five dialed in earth earlier to predict he would score a touchdown and then kiss the star at midfield in Dallas. Eight Five went on a strange sermon confessing his love for the Cowboy organization (a team he has never played for) and with his continued run-ins with Bengal management it’s not too hard to see Chad’s clever marketing pitch.

 

After all, it was TO himself who as a 49’er drove Emmit Smith and George Teague nuts by spiking the star with the ball after scoring. Though Owens never claimed to have any love for Dallas when he performed on the star he did end up a Cowboy and now is defending that very star from Eight Five and his lips.

 

The Snark has money on the following scenario… Eight Five does manage a touchdown catch and as promised beelines it for the star. A nation turns its eyes to the Dallas bench wear TO stops interviewing himself long enough to see Eight Five’s paparazzi packed jaunt to midfield. TO loosely and fashionably straps on his helmet and runs to intercept the parade. Before a delirious crowd, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman TO dives to keep Eight Five from kissing the star, loses his helmet and instead provides network television the first man-to-man kiss. It’s disturbing, crass and dirty but makes Buck giggle for hours.

 

That said, here’s the Diva-Ceiver poll after four games:

 

 

1)    Chad Eight Five: Chad Johnson, Chad Cinco Ocho, Chad I’m Not All That Good… whatever name he chooses the results speak for themselves, or lack thereof. Eight Five has a JV-like 11 catches for 116 yards and uno touchdown. His antics leading up to the Dallas game aside Eight Five may be auditioning for a job offer that won’t come. Jerry Jones has enough problems without adding one that can’t produce. The Bengals are trying to placate The Chad with soothing words of encouragement and have gotten him a playmate in the form of drunken running back bust Cedric Benson. This can only get better. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2)    Terrell Owens: TO was heading for #1 when word leaked that he had been causing trouble by bitching out QB Tony Romo to get him the ball more. TO’s latest quarterback trashing was outdone though by Eight Five’s star gazing and now the stage is set for the Big Texas Cat Fight. Deion Sanders and Andre Rison, stars of the original Bitch Bash, are expected to be in attendance. TO is having a so-so year with 17 catches for 264 yards but he has scored 4 times and thought about scoring on several other occasions. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3)    Plaxico Burress: Anyone seen Plax? The distant and enigmatic receiver for the Giants seems to have trouble remembering he has practice. Burress rarely shows up to Giants’ practices, meetings or bake sales and when he does he never speaks though his brownies make you super silly. Plax was an off-season malcontent and only showed up for the opener because of a new contract. You never hear Plax complain because Plax is never around. Burress has 18 catches for 259 yards and a score but he’s now been suspended for a week and still no one has seen or heard from him to let him know. It is assumed Plax doesn’t care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4)    Anquan Boldin: The Cardinal Sin has the best numbers of any Diva; 27 catches for 366 yards and 5 touchdowns but his constant nagging for a trade and now a possible fractured sinus bone has Boldin whining in more ways than one. Boldin teams with the talented Larry Fitzgerald at WR and now that former Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner replaces the lifeless Matt Leinart at QB Arizona can generate cups of offense but after watching the defense give up 56 points to the Jets it’s easy to see why Boldin weeps.