Snark Sharks

Are You My New Mommy?

Nebraska officials have reported that a second out of state teenager has been abandoned due to their recently enacted safe-haven law.  (Article Here)  The fun loving folks in the cornhusker state decided to add a sassy and saucy little twist to their safe-haven law - anyone, not just a parent can drop off a child, of any age, at any state licensed hospital without fear of prosecution for abandonment.  Now I understand that the safe-haven laws are meant to ultimately help the unwanted, neglected and downtrodden children.  However the state of Nebraska has given every idiot that figured out how to spawn an excuse to get rid of their problem children.

So this fantastic loophole to actually fulfilling the solemn promise to wean, raise and care for the fruit of your loins has so far gifted the state of Nebraska 18 children to date.  Two of the abandoned children were in fact driven across state lines for the sole partental objective of ridding themselves of their troublesome teen.  None of the children were newborn, who were the intended beneficiaries of newly enacted law in the first place.  Now it is without a doubt that America is a throwaway society, but seriously if you are going to abandon your children couldn’t you maybe drop them off at Disney World or something?  If you’ve ever been to Nebraska you know they’ve got well, corn.  I mean at least if you are going to ditch your child like an unwelcomed house guest, you could at least leave them at the happiest place on earth.

First and foremost this is the most horrible abuse of a system that is meant to protect, unwanted newborns.  It’s not meant to be a substitution for being a parent to your child.  If you weren’t prepared to follow through what the possible result of bumping uglies might be then you should have: abstained, got sterilized, used contraception or whatever version of birth control your personal beliefs allow.  Teenagers are raging hormone driven nightmares; you knew that the day was going to come.  Think of all the insane things you did when you were a teenager.  Ok now multiply that by 12.  That’s probably a fraction of what your child is going to do when they hit the teenage years.  So don’t play hide the sausage if you can’t deal with a rowdy teenage bastard that hates your guts.

Come for the Corn stay for the Moltov cocktails!

But the darker and seedier issue here is if this continues there is going to be a surplus of crazed, problematic, troubled children in Nebraska.  Which I’ve already outlined is home to corn.  Have you put two plus two yet?  Steven King’s nightmare of Malachai and the other demon spawn Children of the Corn is coming to life in Nebraska as we speak!  So listen my Snarks, avoid your annual trips to the Nebraska State Fair, corn eating contests and meth labs; or you may be sacrificed to “He Who Walks Behind the Rows”.