Snark Sharks

I can haz dieburger?

The man recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records & Beer as the Oldest Living Male recently celebrated his 113th birthday in his hometown of Miyakonojo, Japan.  Born September 18, 1895 Tomoji Tanabe or Zombie as his friends know him, was born the same year as such luminaries as: J. Edgar Hoover, George Halas, Babe Ruth, Shemp Howard, Buster Keaton and many other long dead people.

Tanabe, a former city land surveyor, is now a perpetual drain on his son and daughter-in-law as he continues to live well past any normal semblance of an expiration date.  His son 90 years of age himself is waiting eagerly for his skeletal patriarch to release his strangle hold on this mortal coil.  “No can wrait for him to drie.  Then I can drie too.” his son was quoted as saying.  Tomoji claims list to over 100 descendants including 8 children, 25 grandchildren, 52 great grandchildren, and 6 great-great grandchildren - most of whom are already dead.

Mr. Tanabe attributes a great deal of his wiley kung fu grip on life to his clean living.  “Nrever had a drink of alcrohol, no smroke cigarette, drink mrilk every day”.  His diet consists mainly of vegetables and he rarely eats fried foods.  He confided in me that if he had it all to do over again, he would have reveled in wine, women and song.  His one main regret is not getting to experience Opium dens in his early years.  Prostitution, heroin, opium, shiza porn there are some many things in life that he didn’t get to experience.  Instead of a look deeper into where his clean living has gotten him (113 long sober years) he wonders if he gave up what made life worth living.

“My youngest son, he die in crar cash.  Shrortly after crar invented, he pick up twelve year old Vietnamese hooker.  He put crar into wall getting brow job.  That’s riving, rearly riving.”  All Tomoji seems to want now is the sweet relief of death.  “If you sober fo 113 years how you rike it?”  With his last erection nearly three decades ago he admits that there really is nothing left to live for.  He had these parting words as we wrapped up “you sree that wok?  Can you brash head in wif dat prease?”