Snark Sharks

Tebow with his weapon of choice

After a shocking 31-30 loss to Mississippi at the Swamp Florida Gator quarterback Tim Tebow apologized profusely for his performance and then brandished a real steel Roman spear and tried to fall on it. The Heisman Trophy winner who led Florida to a National title as a freshmen apparently felt he was the sole reason the Gators came up short to the improved Rebels and that in college football there is no excuse for losing, ever. Tebow was also crestfallen to discover that he is mortal and cannot control the weather.

Despite throwing for 319 yards and a touchdown and running for two more scores Tebow believed his losing a fumble and failing to convert a crucial 4^th down run made him the sacrificial lamb.

“I want it to stay in our hearts and keep hurting,” Tebow said. “This will motivate me personally and I believe everybody else, the coaches and the rest of the players, to never let something like this happen again, especially when we feel we’re better than a team and don’t play up to our ability.” Tebow choked back tears before unsheathing the gladiator weapon and attempting to drill himself with it.

Fortunately for Tebow as with most of his late game passes he missed and was helped off the podium by head coach Urban Meyer who softly told Tebow, “Relax kid, it’s just a freakin game, I’m the one who has to answer to the AD.”

Georgia prayed 'Bama would go away

After a wild weekend that saw four of the Top 10 teams lose many were wondering if anyone wanted to win this years BCS popularity contest. Alabama crushed Georgia 41-30, Michigan upended Wisconsin 27-25 and most surprisingly Oregon State stunned #1 ranked USC 27-21. Most of the games were close in score but only because the losing teams staged comebacks to make it look better. Michigan was the one team that came from behind and won thanks to an ineligible player down field call on the Badgers on a successful 2-point conversion that would have tied the game and sent it into overtime.

Marshall tried in vain to rip the jerseys off West Virginia

What couldn’t look better were the awful jerseys worn by West Virginia in their game against Marshall. The Mountaineers usually stick to their dark blue hue but something possessed the squirrel eating outbacks to don the ugly yellows. In word association games nine times out of ten “yellow” is followed by “coward”. West Virginia beat Marshall but the lesson is clear, yellow is for Conference USA folk.

Speaking of conferences which collection of schools has the hardest schedule? Most agree that the SEC is toughest since four of their teams were in the Top 10 as of yesterday and it has produced the last two national titles, LSU and Florida. But the question is being raised that parity has finally struck and that the days of USC ruling the Whack-10 and Ohio State owning the Big 10 (with 11 teams) are coming to a close. This is why no one really believes undefeated Oklahoma, who go belly up like the Buckeyes every January, should replace Southern Cal as this week’s # 1. The Snark says ‘Bama is the best team right now.

C'mon Stinky, gimme a fist bump

Yesterday the name game was easily won by the South Carolina and Alabama-Birmingham contest that featured a horrible team nickname, the Gamecocks, an ironic name for a quarterback, Carolina’s Chris Smelley (who was thankfully replaced by Stephen Garcia who led the Gamecocks to victory) and the name of the week, Swayze Waters, the UAB kicker. Waters had 2 field goals and a point after but it was his ceramic pottery making on the sideline that really intrigued fans.

UNC steals Miami's swagger

Closing out the college recap is the word “swagger”. Yesterday ESPN announcer Andre Ware (he of the Heisman Trophy and no pro career) effused about how the Miami Hurricanes were looking to regain their traditional swagger that included unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, numerous arrests and suspensions, gunshots and Ray Lewis. Miami looked great for three quarters but then watched North Carolina mount a 4^th quarter comeback and steal the ‘Canes swagger for a second straight year. Miami was picked off in the end zone on the final play and reacted by bum rushing the Tar Heel buses and lighting the vehicles on fire. Yes, the swagger is back.