Snark Sharks

Call Me Don Roger Corleone

Upset with the lack of league wide respect for rules, teammates and officiating Roger Goddell is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore.  Goddell feels that it’s his personal duty to clean up the NFL and keep the largest cash cow in all of sports humming smoothly so he’s not afraid to get his hands a little dirty.  After a laundry list of shenanigan’s by a seemingly never ending list of ne’er do well’s including: manslaughter defendant in training Adam “Pac Man” Jones, Chris Henry, Michael “Rape Stick” Vick and Tank Johnson, Goddell knew that it was time to lay down the law.  However, all of this was topped off with the Spy Gate scandal at the hands of the New England Cheatriots.  Goddell is ready to show that the buck stops here and the buck stops now.

In the off season Roger retreated deep into the bowels of the National Football League’s secret lair, which while unsubstantiated is rumored to share facilities with the famed government bunker Area 51 in Nevada.  It is also rumored that this is the location that Goddell keeps Pete Rozell in cryogenic stasis and Paul Tagliabue under 24 hour protection in a hyperbaric chamber preserving both for future NFL generations if necessary.  When I asked Roger about his alleged fortress of solitude he curtly advised me “No comment, and if you want to see tomorrow I wouldn’t mention that again.”  When I tried to broach the subject of what the new rules of his “zero b.s. tolerance” program entailed, he advised me that if I wanted to play in the NFL, or own a franchise he would be more than happy to provide me with a copy.  Short of either of those highly unlikely events the document was on an “eyes only” basis.

Ocho Loco

Slowly we here at the Snark are starting to get details of some of the new policy enforcement techniques that Goddell has employed so far, and those he is researching for his ongoing needs.  We found out recently via a confidential source at the league office that Goddell’s Svengali hitmen the “Godd Squad”, kidnapped the formerly talented wide receiver now known as Chad Ocho Cinco in the off season.  While under severe mental strain and torture techniques including waterboarding, testicular electrocution and being forced to watch repeated replays of passes he dropped; Goddell broke and reprogrammed Chad Johnson.  By the time the Godd Squad was done with Johnson he was nothing but a shadow of his former self.  Confused, bewildered and robbed of his former game breaking play maker ability he buckled to Goddell’s pressure to change his name to an irrelevant grouping of Spanish numerals.  While on the field Mr. Ocho Cinco has clearly been out of sorts, and a vastly changed man.  When we called the mercurial wide out, he cordially accepted our offer of an interview, but as soon as we broached the subject of the Godd Squad, we heard a high pitched squeal on the other end of the phone shortly followed by a dial tone.

When whispers about Señor Ocho Cinco spread through the league and started to find their way to every organization and their players, fear spread far and wide.  Most had taken the off season memos coming from the head office as practical jokes, and nothing that the power mad Goddell would actually institute or follow through with.  However the Carolina Panthers were taking no risk of letting problematic wideout and team cancer Steve Smith find his way to Goddell’s office after Smith decided that assault and battery on teammate Ken Lucas was his training camp hobby of choice.  Coach John Fox decided to immediately impose a two game suspension on Smith to avoid any league disciplinary actions.  A staffer on Fox’s Carolina Panthers squad who requested anonymity informed us “Coach Fox was piss scared what would happen to Smith.  I mean you see the mess that he turned Johnson, er Ocho Cinco into.  He was just hoping that Goddell would accept team levied punishment.”

At the time NFL players were contemplating retirement, defection to the CFL and even entertained the possibility of playing Arena Football.  After closed door meetings with the NFLPA union heads and NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw it was agreed that someone needed to gain access to Goddell’s ear and see what could be done to loosen his iron fisted grip on the teams, the players and their lives.  After much debate it was agreed that drawing straws was the fairest way to choose the individual fated to meet with the Dictator/Commissioner.  Unfortunately Hall Of Famer Gene Upshaw pulled the shortest straw amid gasps from the rest of those in attendance.  After his closed door meeting with Goddell, Upshaw was rushed to the emergency room suffering from shortness of breath.  The former Oakland Raiders stand out died days later of pancreatic cancer despite no former symptoms, and no family history of cancer.  Doctors were at a loss as to how such an aggressive cancer had failed to show symptoms until shortly before his passing.

The New York Giants followed the Panther’s lead when their own irritable bowel syndrome inducing wideout Plaxico Burress violated undisclosed team rules.  Giant’s lead dog Tom Coughlin stuck Plax with a $230k bill for fines, and put Plax on a two week vacation as well.  The Dallas Cowboys also decided to place coverage liabilty slash safety Roy Williams on their injured list indefinitely out of fear that his omnipresent “horse collar tackles” would incure disciplinary action from Goddell.  However this seems to be the last time that such tactics will circumvent the ruthless vengeance that Goddell wishes to wield upon all who reside within his power.  Early this week the league head office circulated a memo to all teams that violators of NFL and/or team rules must now report directly to him for punishment, fines and possible execution.

Gun Show Tics? Got 'Em.

While players definitely bear the brunt of the Roger Goddell’s ire, two other victims in the early season have been claimed as well.  NFL referee and professional arm model Ed Hochuli was called down to the league offices after his stupendously erroneous call in week three cost the San Diego Chargers an assured victory against the Denver Broncos.  When we caught up with professional mismanager Norv Turner after the game applying his third layer of his post game ritual ProActive skin cream, he was flabbergasted and stunned that they had actually lost the game.  Turner had been under the impression that his Chargers had won that game, so shortly after our conversation with him he called the league office and filed a formal complaint.  While no one can confirm the details of Hochuli’s meeting with Goddell, it is reported that his wife and six children have not been seen or heard from since Ed returned from his meeting with the commissioner.  It is assumed that they are being held in the Area 51 bunker and will be released if Hochuli can bring his referee grade back up to its former level within 3 weeks.  On the record Goddell also fined Cowboy’s Owner, General Manager, President, CEO, CFO, Water Boy, and Towel Distribution Manager Jerry Jones for commenting on the Hochuli situation.  Off the record it is also rumored that Roger is forcing Jones to live out the rest of his life with the face of Blanche Devereaux of the Golden Girls.

New York Jets Safety Eric Smith was last seen heading for the Mexican border Sunday night after to his horror and dismay the league office called him down after his concussion doling helmet to helmet hit on Arizona Cardinal Anquan Boldin.  Rumor around the league that Roger was sick of laying out tiny suspensions and fines for idiots that weren’t grasping the concept of helmet to helmet hits.  Smith was allegedly tabbed to be his first in a series of beheadings if such foul play continued.  After his plan leaked however, Goddell quickly flooded the news wires with notice of Smith’s pending suspension and fine.  We reached Smith moments before crossing into Mexican territory, he was not willing to comment on the record but it was clear that he was unsettled as he soiled himself and ran off into the night as we called out his name.

You Had Me At Kill

In addition to the Godd Squad we are also hearing that Goddell is working with an array of defense contractors to create a cyborg enforcer reminiscent of 80’s science fiction movie RoboCop to handle self proclaimed “real life Jerry McGuire” Drew Rosenhaus and any other agent that continues to whisper foul advice into the ears of his prima donna clientele.  Well this is Great White signing out, security has advised me that there is a Roger Goddell sighting in my area, time to high tail it to our secret lair.