Snark Sharks

Yo, man, where the exits at?

Today the NCAA came down hard on Ohio State by prohibiting the Buckeyes from playing in any meaningful games until they can show clear evidence that they are able to compete. Following last night’s debacle against USC, a 35-3 loss (recap) and the last two BCS title game disasters (2007’s 41-14 loss to Florida and last year’s 38-24 loss to LSU) the NCAA said they had no choice but to effectively bar the Buckeyes from embarrassing the game of college football any further.

Ever since Ohio State cheated and stole the National Championship from the Miami Hurricanes in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl with the assistance of a biased referee, Terry Porter, and the academically and responsibly ineligible Maurice Clarett the Buckeyes have rolled through the regular seasons only to lay down and play dead when faced with a real challenge. Waxing community colleges like Ohio, Youngstown State and Northwestern will no longer impress the panel of judges voting on BCS match-ups.

If I get up can I leave?

“We feel at this time it is necessary to step in and fix an obvious problem.” A statement released by the NCAA read. “Had Ohio State shown even an ounce of testosterone when playing such programs as USC and Florida we would have reconsidered but after last night, in the best interest of football, we’ve decided to ban Ohio State from ruining our television contract with ABC.”

While the NCAA did not elaborate on what it meant when it said “big” and “meaningful” games it is safe to assume Ohio State wouldn’t be in a BCS title game or matched up against any team with a winning record for the foreseeable future. Discussions are already under way for future games against Prairie View A&M, Concordia College and Iona. 

In other college football news the spread offense (it’s so hot right now) has been put on kill alert as the zany system developed and used primarily by lesser programs (Hawaii) to even out the talent difference when they play top level teams (Georgia) has proven disastrous so far for traditional ground teams Michigan and Auburn.

Weiss needs to lose weight

Under new coach Rich Rodriguez the once proud Wolverines have stumbled to a 1-2 start after turning in another miserable performance yesterday in a 35-17 loss to Notre Dame. Michigan opened the season with a loss at home to Utah before squeaking by Miami-Ohio 16-6. Rodriguez used the spread to perfection at West Virginia where he had the players for a high-octane offense but the complex gimmick has yet to catch on with the burly and dim-witted Wolverines. Notre Dame was about to celebrate their 2-0 start but head coach Charlie Weiss collapsed under his own gross weight and tore a ligament in his knee and the fans were reminded that their wins have come against San Diego State and the team in the Michigan uniforms and if they dared to “wake up any echoes” lives would be lost. 

Another traditional running school, Auburn, will spend most of today with last nights opponent Mississippi State explaining to fans and faculty just what the hell happened yesterday in Auburn’s 3-2 “win” over the Bulldogs. Auburn is also trying to convert their power running game to the spread and even though they are 3-0 the offense has looked inept, timid and confused and made former Tiger star Bo Jackson physically ill. The question and answer session with the accused will be attended by both teams and will take place at the 40-yard line. Alcohol will be served and try-outs will be conducted by Auburn for players who have a vague understanding of the spread offense that’s so hot right now. 

Hokie's jerseys confused Georgia Tech

Yesterday’s winner for worst uniform goes to Virginia Tech. Beamer Ball became screamer y’all when the Hokies unveiled garish orange jerseys to compliment their silly nickname and way oversized VT logo. The Hokies choice of jersey actually worked in their favor as the Yellow Jacket defense was reluctant to grab hold of the putrid fabric and allowed V-Tech runners room to roam. The NCAA will talk to the Hokies about disposing of the jerseys forever.

That bad? Nope, worse.

Police in Los Angeles are on the look out for an offense. One week after a thrilling upset of Tennessee in OT, the Bruins of UCLA became victims of identity theft when they failed to show up for a 59-0 beat down at the hands of the Mormons from Brigham Young. UCLA has never been known for having any defense but the fact that they could not score against the Cougars of Latter Day Saints is cause for concern. Police have been told to keep an eye out for fugitives from the Bruin offense and to bring any decent prospects to USC for an evaluation.

Miami vs Oklahoma version 2.0

Remember the classic brawls between Miami and Oklahoma? Well on Friday two new faces from similar places stepped up to produce this year’s best game so far. South Florida edged Kansas in a thrilling 37-34 win that was only marred by the scary announcing of Sean McDonnough who referenced former NFL great Fran Tarkenton an inordinate amount of times when describing USF’ Matt Grothe and Kansas’ Todd Reesing. We get it Sean they are small and scramble a lot. One time, OK, one time. And only viewers over the age of 50 knew who you were talking about.