Snark Sharks

WoW Master & Collar Popper

Earlier this week high school’s around the country were rocked by the tale of an ingenious nerd with a dream and a collar.  Poindexter Nerdingberg of Flushing, Queens is a certifiable nerd with zero game, and even less social standing.  At best odds were on him scoring a slice of poontang in his late 30’s from a CraigsList hooker with C-Section scars and cottage cheese thighs, ass and arms.  At worst most thought that some time in his late 40’s he’d just give in and go gay with one of his nerd friends for the desire of an intimate touch not attributed to his own right hand.  However last week Poindexter bucked the odds, the world and his impenetrable shield of geekness to score with cheerleader Brie Spreadseasy.

Poindexter lists his hobbies as World of Warcraft, watching Enterprise and Star Gate, Japanime, Comics and speaking Elvish.  Scientists working in a lab for 10 years couldn’t dare to dream to create a more perfect nerdling short of fusing together the DNA of Horshack, Arvid Engen and the entire membership of the Tri-Lambs.  Yet under his nerdly noggin hid the brain that devised a plan so devious, and so awe inspiring that high school girls across the country are on high alert and Lord of the Rings chatrooms are crashing due to lack of bandwidth.  “I dunno” said Nerdingberg “I guess eventually through sitting in the corner alone at lunch for the past three years, I noticed that most of the most sexually desirable and active breeding aged females seemed to have a few common denominators in choosing an acceptable coupling partner.”  In all his time of creepily staring down attractive females from across the room, he noticed that the key factor all boiled down to one thing.  “Douche bags” Poindexter proposed “Adolescent females have an innate and seemingly unavoidable attraction to douche bags.  The bigger the douche the stronger the attraction.”

Indeed everyone has known that females far and wide especially in the sexually formative high school years had a desire to date the biggest d-bag available that proved to be the most reprehensible and ill advised choice she can find. To find the simple and easy way to make himself desirable to the opposite sex Poindexter found the x factor that could take him from mega nerd to uber douche bag in mere seconds.  He popped his collar.  “I noticed that the common factor of all of the most latently douche bagged men that girls in my school flocked to all popped their collar” Nerdinberg advised.  After further research into the most successful sexually desirable males at his school, he noticed that popping the collar wasn’t the only mitigating factor in releasing his virginal load with Ms. Spreadseasy.  “It’s really a five point plan of douchebaggery that I can’t explain more here.  My agent has advised me that until the book release and talk show circuit tour I can’t really put that information out for public consumption”

Collar Popped, Coochie Follows

Brie Spreadseasy had this to say “It’s like pop rape, I can’t stand it.  He took advantage of me.  Sure as soon as he popped his collar and told me my skirt made me look fat, I was feircely aroused.  Of course I jammed my tongue down his throat and my hands down his pants.  Did I take him into the bathroom and give him the best minute of his life?  Of course, but I would never have licked his taint and asked for a pearl necklace if I he wasn’t a douche bag!”  Since the initial nerd humping, Brie has been duped by three more enterprising collar popping nerds.  Due to the shame she has quit the cheerleading squad, and given up Jaegerbombs.

Nerdingberg’s book is due later this year from Pendant Publishing.  The title is “Bye Bye Virginity, Hello Douchebaggery - The Five Point Plan To Getting Poon”.  Advance orders have eclipsed Harry Potter sales.