Snark Sharks

Allianz HQ in Munich

Allianz, a large insurance and financial services provider headquartered in Munich, Germany today announced it would no longer pursue naming rights for the new Giants/Jets stadium in New Jersey (story). The international insurance provider once insured the death camps run by Adolph Hitler’s SS during World War II. However, the Snark investigative team has learned that it was not Allianz’ past that troubled stadium officials but rather the disturbing ideas Allianz were proposing for the venue opening in 2010.

Allianz was founded in 1890 in Berlin but achieved a dubious reputation during the Nazi years when prominent board member Kurt Schmitt served as the Reich Economy Minister from 1933 until1935 and general director Eduard Hilgard headed the Reich Association for Private Insurance during Hitler’s reign. Both had close ties to the overweight and incompetent Hermann Goering, the second highest-ranking Nazi after Walt Disney.

Allianz already sponsors a soccer stadium in Munich where FC Bayern Munchen and TSV 1860 Munchen play home games before rabid crowds of inebriated neo-fascists but the thought of the former Nazi underwriters acquiring naming rights to the future home of the NFL’s Giants and Jets was halted due to protests from activist groups, Holocaust survivors and an organized section of fans from section D, row 30, seats 2-16.

Though many believed Allianz would simply put their brand name on the stadium and leave it at that the Snark has learned that the insurance provider had several questionable ideas in mind for the venue and the theme at home games.

Hugo Boss ideas for coaching staff: Jets home black, Giants road greys

An inside source at Allianz confirms that several names were in the works for the new stadium including Reich’s Field, the Panzer Dome, Der S/Stadium, Death Camp for Cutie and The Jets Stadium For The Jets Fans. Allianz was under the impression that with naming rights came control over team uniforms, halftime entertainment and all promotional material associated with the Giants and Jets.

Allianz was going to team up with Nazi outfitter Hugo Boss (story) to design all black uniforms for both teams with white lightning bolt logos. Ideas for using the charged symbol of the Swastika was tabled though marketing officials had included it on the sleeves of the Jet uniforms in several mock-ups.

Allianz was also hoping to choreograph exclusive halftime shows that would feature goose-stepping high school marching bands, an all blonde-hair/blue-eyed choir of Mormon boys and girls singing God Bless America in German, flaming torches and a replica Stuka dive bomber that would swoop down and shoot fireworks into an inflatable jumper depicting Poland. Allianz had plans to have England’s Prince Harry appear at the Giants opener in fetching Nazi desert garb with performances by local Munich DJ’s.

Promotional teaser for Harry appearance

However this afternoon the deal was called off.

“I guess dey ah not ready for der Nazi brand.” a PR rep for Allianz said. “Is not fear eveyone of us, ja.”

Rights to the stadium name are still available and offers have been submitted by “ethical entities” including Halliburton, NAMBLA, a consortium of Russian oil barons and Hezbollah.