Snark Sharks

Kim may be recovering from a bender

Having missed an important military parade marking the 60^th anniversary of the failed communist state known as North Korea many intelligence analysts are confirming what every North Korean malnourished citizen already knows, Kim-Jong-il is sick (story). The villain cliche with movie star shades, khaki jumpsuit uniforms and Chia Pet hair bank is rumored to have suffered a stroke but no one is ruling out the chances of this being another silly and stupid stunt by KIm. 

State officials in neighboring South Korea, China and Japan are keen to Kim’s particular brand of nuts and believe that the odd little fellow who took over the food-challenged nation from his father, Kim Il-sung, is simply acting out his typical behavioral pathologies.

Lil' Kim

Following the death of Il-sung in 1994 Jong-il has been playing world leader in the name of North Korea and has thoroughly confused most Asian nations and, with the exception of his nuclear bluffs and habit for launching missiles into the Sea of Japan, has amused most Western powers. The funny looking man in the pajama pantsuits has managed to keep North Korea in a virtual vacuum devoid of any contact with the outside world and has made China appear to be a progressive and tolerant bastion of freedom.

Jong-il has presided over massive floods in 1995 and 1996 and historic famine that has claimed the lives of millions and reduced the communist state to bartering with other countries to survive. With the collapse of the Soviet Union in the early 1990’s North Korea, much like Cuba, became victim to reality and fell face first into an abyss of economic and cultural darkness.

In recent years Jong-il has tried to gain international clout by suggesting he had enriched plutonium and was capable of producing nuclear weapons. This boast was followed up in 2006 with a supposed underground test though many analysts doubt the claim and suspect the seismic rumbling may have been the collective moan of several million North Korean stomachs growling in hunger. Others believe that what Kim thought was weapons grade plutonium is in fact green Jell-o.

Radical uniform change - single pocket, grey color... what?

In 2008 Japanese professor Toshimitsu Shigemure made waves when he suggested Jong-il had actually died in 2003 (much like Keith Richards) and that a series of stand-ins had been taking the Dear Leader’s place at government rallies. This claim would help explain why Jong-il never speaks or shows any facial expressions and keeps fluctuating between 5’5” and an olive green uniform and 5’7” with a light grey uniform.

Not sold on the look-a-like theory one anonymous source within North Korea has informed our very own People’s Investigative Bureau of Exalted Reporters that one or more of the following may explain the sudden disappearance of Kim:

-       He’s bored and never really liked the drawn out parades that consist of the same truck tugging around a paper mache rocket

-       He is obsessed with John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin and is watching her every move via state-run satellite television

-       He is playing a sophisticated game of hide-and-seek with his cabinet

-       He hasn’t finished season 5 of Sex in the City

-       He is planning a surprise appearance at Fashion Week in New York City in a… you guessed it, military style jumpsuit uniform in either olive or brown

-       He can’t find his sunglasses and believes sunlight will make him all too aware of the miserable condition of his gift from daddy

-       He secretly fled the country and is living out his years on the South Korean “Properties of the World” island in Dubai

Kim reviews Fall collection

While none of these theories can be verified. our source is a known opium user, there is rampant speculation regarding Kim’s health as rumors of the leader’s demise increase. Kim was prominent in both the 50^th and 55^th anniversary parades and it seems just plain rude for him to miss the big six-oh.

Kim has been known to disappear for long stretches of time but the bug-like creature always makes the parade circuit. If Kim is in fact gravely ill or even dead it is very likely the nation of 23 million will mourn the leader’s passing with a feast of thin twigs and rationed cereal grains.