Snark Sharks

Putin doesn't care what you think

Our once mighty and proud country is descending rapidly into bankrupt institutions, corrupt leaders and shoddy morals. As Wall Street crashes, banks default and our military fights a fictitious enemy across the world the time has come for this once free nation to elect the only man who can step up to the huge challenges we face: Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

To begin with, Putin needs a job. In Russia the Prime Minister is just a title and even though Putin really controls his successor, “President” Dimitry Medvedev, the word is out that Vlad the Impaler is bored with his empire of Cossacks and wants something new to frighten and bully. And there America stands like a dainty doe in the headlights of a Tatra 813 V12 Diesel truck.

Putin settles dispute

America seems to like all the things Putin is… a cold-hearted, oil-loving, ruthless warmonger with no regard for human or civil rights. And unlike our dream team of draft-dodging pansies George W. Bush and Dick Cheney Putin has the resume of a believable killer. If Bush is James Bond, a flaky and gadget filled fop of a secret agent then Putin is Jason Bourne, a quiet and calculating super-weapon with no apparent weakness.

Putin hears poor child's plea, then kills him

Though he stands only 5’6” tall Putin is a martial arts expert particularly fond of Judo, was a Lieutenant Colonel in the fair and forgiving KGB and has shown no mercy with those that exasperate his thirst for blood. After taking over the Russian presidency in 1999 Putin has crushed the rebellion in Chechnya, ordered a gas attack on a school in Beslan that killed 330 people, both hostages and captors, and most recently took Georgia behind the proverbial wood shed and whipped the upstart nation into submission with a brutal attack that left the West in shock.

Putin grabbed the reigns of  a wayward and despondent Russia and with his iron fist, army of thugs and oil baron friends transformed the vast ice shelf into a burgeoning capitalist free market where bribes and intimidation can get you anything. There are now more billionaires in Moscow than London, Tokyo or New York. Putin has given the Russian people everything America wants, lavish luxury, hookers, bling and Benzes.

Dolphins love him

You want energy? Look no further than Russia’s black bloodlines: the former Soviet empire has the world’s largest natural gas reserves, the second largest coal reserves and the eighth largest oil reserves with the guts to invade and conquer anyone who disagrees. When breakaway region Ukraine had the gall to elect a leader Putin did not like the little guy with the steely eyes simply shut off the pipelines of gas flowing to the region and brought Europe to its knees until a compromise deal was brokered.

Putin doesn’t negotiate, he won’t debate and he never argues. He breaks your left leg, asks if you will change your mind and if you don’t he breaks your right leg. Then he takes hold of your left arm and the game continues until you capitulate or die. Putin doesn’t nation-build with “Coalitions of the Willing” and label his naked aggression “Operation Enduring Freedom”; he kicks you in the teeth, takes your assets and bills you for his time.

Putin blows up boy

For eight years we’ve endured a paranoid alcoholic and his Texas pussy while waving our flags and claiming American pride. In the eyes of the world we look as ridiculous as W did landing on a US Navy carrier and declaring “Mission Accomplished” while Iraq continued to blaze. The Yalie cowboy and his master sidekick Cheney are classic salesmen taking credit for things they had nothing to do with, blaming others for their mistakes and rolling around in Arab oil like the infidel lipstick pigs they are.

In any club it would take Putin exactly 13 seconds to knock both Bush and Cheney out cold with his bare hands while revving the cage dancing Bush girls into a moist tizzy. Bad Vlad leaves with Jenna and Babs on each arm and the ghost of Richard Nixon trailing in glee and you’re welcome. 

Putin hunting Muslims

You don’t have to like Putin, his style or his physical method of expression. You don’t have to agree with his totalitarian outlook, criminal behavior and lack of sympathy for anyone or anything. You don’t even have to like the way he hunts and fishes shirtless. But if you really want a strong leader to turn a country around quick and make China back the fuck up then be glad it’s Vlad sitting in that commander’s chair.

Nothing against the old man or the black guy but the Snark officially endorses Vladimir Putin to be the next, and possibly last, President of the United States. He’ll bring us oil, more war and ironic closure to W’s now infamous statement: “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heckuva a lot easier. Just so long as I’m the dictator.” It is easier, George, it just takes a real man to do it. It’s not too late, Putin in ‘08!