Snark Sharks

In a move that smacks of neo-communism the United States government announced it was seizing control of troubled mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae to stem the bleeding each has caused to mortgage and credit rates (thanks…?). The US government will commit $200 billion it doesn’t have to the moron lenders who have been giving loans to moron borrowers who can’t possibly afford it. The US government believes that even though neither Mac or Mae have shown any responsibility or aptitude regarding financial matters that enough suckers have stakes in the lending giants to warrant a bail out. The unelected “President-Figure” George W. Bush said the lending giants posed an “unacceptable risk” to the economy though such gambles never stopped Dick Cheney’s puppet from rolling the dice on war, trust and democracy.

You may have been wondering how your obnoxious neighbor who barely clears $35K a year working for himself as a “consultant” was able to finance a $350K house, a $65K Lexus and those awful tan slacks and polo shirts he wears every day. Well, thanks to the generous and mentally retarded money monkeys at Freddie and Fannie loans were apparently given away the past few years so shame on you for not grabbing one.

However, the laws of money lending (banks and credit cards expect you to pay the balance back) have caught up with the happy-go-lucky lenders at the mortgage companies as nearly 9% of US mortgage holders are behind on their payments or face repossession. Instead of punishing Mac and Mae for their irresponsible practices the US government will infuse enough capital in to their cooked books to float both temporarily in the hopes of restoring confidence in the markets.

Daniel Mudd shows how much he cares

This desperate act on behalf of the Bush administration can be explained easy enough… honey, Billy crashed the Beamer, let’s get him a Porsche so the girls in school will still think he’s cool. If there’s a way to find a half-ass solution to a chronic problem you can bet W will throw some duct tape on that leaky pipe and pat himself on the back for a job well done. The one stipulation of the deal that didn’t insult the intelligence of a 3^rd grader is that the CEO’s of Freddie Mac (Richard Syron) and Fannie Mae (Daniel Mudd) will be replaced. Both are laying blame on the other and claiming to be the victims of circumstance, a liberal media and reality. The FM’s finance or guarantee nearly half of the outstanding mortgages in the US, or roughly $5.3 trillion. Sleep on that reassuring figure.

I'm asking everyone to pray

The news of a government bail-out rallied stock markets around the world proving there are people out there dumber than your neighbor with the neon green Hummer or that foreign investors, mainly Asian banks and Saudi monarchs, see a golden opportunity to own all the foreclosed homes in Arizona and Nevada and the ridiculous vehicles parked in the brick driveways. The deal essentially places both mortgage companies in a government-monitored conservatorship that will be babysat by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Housing Financing Agency Director James Lockhart. In layman’s terms the government is in control of the market. How’s that for capitalism.

You can read at length about the intricacies of financial markets and mortgage options and even believe used car salesmen like Jim Cramer who bullshit better than Gordon Gekko on cocaine if it makes you feel any better but even mad money isn’t all that hard to understand. If you don’t have it, you shouldn’t spend it. This past decade has put the Eighties greed grab to shame in how many Americans have deluded themselves into thinking they deserved a lavish lifestyle, his and her SUV’s and high-definition plasma TV’s. Enough people bought into shady wealth-now schemes and real estate venture scams that the mortgage and credit market belched, choked, spit up and finally hurled from the amount of junk it was being asked to swallow.

Our new landlords

Now Bush and his boys are galloping in to rescue the economy the same way they “rescued” Iraq and Afghanistan, with cash that has no value and a policy that makes no sense. So go out and celebrate kids, daddy’s got his drink on and as long as his other credit card swipes who gives a damn that it’s a Discover card. Someone else will pay the bill, they always do. Just don’t be surprised to learn that your freedom and way of life are now owned by China and Saudi Arabia. And folks, communists and kings are not as forgiving when you fail to pay your debt.