Snark Sharks

Don't Taunt The Hotness

Here at the Snark we are always looking for ways for the world to be a better place so we are calling for an end to racism. Racism is so last century. It’s time for Continental-Regional-Socioeconomic-ism. Here to fore known as Corsoism (pronounced as core – so – ism). Which is great because I can’t stand Lee Corso, and his freakish potato like head.

We are all mutts, living in the DNA equivalent of jambalaya. Ok, throw in a touch of Jew here, a pinch of Irish there, and heaping spoonful of African, and just a drop of German. A little dab will do you when it comes to Germans you don’t want too much or else you end up with diminutive leaders with plans for world domination and funny moustaches.

“But Great White, who ever will I treat with disdain or poke fun at?” Quiet down grand wizard – and seriously those were thousand thread count sheets – you are paying me back for those. “This is outrageous you dorsal finned cracker.” Farrakhan what have I told you about when others are talking. By the way it’s 2008, can’t you find something a little less geeky than a bowtie? “Death to you infidels!” listen Bin Laden if you can’t shut your trap – we are sending you back to the cave – and no virgins for you.

But in order to keep our world from spinning totally off its axis I’ve got a new plan – since race, sex, sexual preference and religion are all pretty much a wash these days it breaks down like this:

Phase One - Continental

We are in the North American Continent. We get to make fun of all the other continents out there. Not only is this a great venting of our national racism, but it can also bring our country closer together. Imagine if you will a brother from South Central sitting next to a former Klansman as they have a rally against those dirty bastards the Australians. The best part of this is that really we don’t endanger any of the other continents. It’s not like people from Australia are just dying to visit Ass Rape, Ga., or Butt Ram WV. Cousin Jebediah and Aunt Telula aren’t going to be making any flights out to Sydney either.

So because it was the easiest map for me to implement my Corsoism plan let’s say that the planet is divided into 7 continents: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and Antarctica. So the contentism divides as such:

Europe– Eurotrash. You smoke a pack before lunch, you eat stinky cheese and call it frommage, you bath infrequently, and your women are often hairy pitted. You don’t like us fine, we don’t like you. America rules, Eurotrash drools. Suck it

South America – Yo Quirros. Honestly the Taco Bell dog and Paris Hilton’s dog are about the best idea we have of South American culture. So your new mascot is the dog. Now can we get a chalupa with fire sauce hombre?

Africa – Narnians. What’s more believable the mythical land of Narnia, or a land that is mostly desert filled with animals like zebras, lions, tigers and giraffes. Yet is ground zero for AIDS, Malaria, Sally Struthers, Ethnic Cleansing, RPGS, Black Hawks going down, Rwandan Hotels, Apartheid, and flies. If you rolled it all together and put it in a pastry crust it would be the worst selling hot pocket ever.

Asia – Nese (Pronounce knee-s) When you count Asia as a continent there’s a lot more than the Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese there, but they dominate the continent on shear numeric value.

Australia – Sheila’s. Nothing like calling a bunch of Crocodile Dundee, Shrimp Barby’ing, Kangaroo humping outback he-men their own derogatory term for women. Even the one Aboriginal tribesman on the internet is giggling at that one.

Antarctica – Penguins. That’s pretty much the only thing there anyway. The other lowly nations need someone to bang on, so viva la penguin bashing.

North Americans – The We Took America and All You Got Was This Lousy Blanket and Small Pox’s. Ok that’s not that catchy so let’s go with Ugly Americans. We know it, you know it… truth is most of us revel in it. The Canadians are just too nice to do anything but go along for the ride. We in turn will blame Canada for anything any chance we get.

Phase Two - Regional

Let’s face it making fun of weird people with a penchant for barbecued shrimp and boomerangs is fun and all – but mocking people on the other side of the world is only so fun. So we can divvy up the Continents into some further sub regions. This is also a great way for people within a continent to separate themselves from those other rat bastards on their continent. You know the ones, with the things and the stuff.

Canadians – Fuckinucks. As in: fucking Canucks. With their niceness, maple syrup and strange obsession with fries with gravy and cheese curd how else do you describe them but – Fuckinucks.

NY Area – GuidoRicans. This would be anyone who lives in the NY/NJ area or pretends that they do like people from Connecticut. GuidoRicans are generally spotted in the wild with a popped collar, spikey hair, and gold chains.

West Coast – Dudebro’s. California is the West Coast other than the suicidal caffeine addicts in Seattle. I refuse to recognize the Mountain areas as they are Californians on snow. Live with it Dudebro.

Midwest – Do we care about the middle of the US enough to give them a name? What so they give us Corn, Wheat, Beef, Cheese. So basically cheeseburgers, ok Cheeseburgers it is. You can has Cheeseburgers you fucks.

Texas & South Florida – for these purposes you are annexed by Mexico and Cuba respectively. So live under your title as Yo Quiero’s, get over it.

The rest of the United States – if you weren’t mentioned there is a reason.

South America – Other than being Yo Quiero’s we are now going to call you all Puerto Ricans. I hear you all making fun of the Puerto Ricans so guess what – joke’s on you.

Well we can’t just leave the rest of the world out of the regional bashing so let’s let the rest of the world in on my little reindeer game.

UK, Ireland, Wales, Scottland – Limey Cunts. Americans hate the “C” word – they love it and so do I. The best part of this – is lumping them all together they may hate each other more than any of us and will end up starting more crap with each other than throwing barbs at us.

Portugal and Spain – You are now Puerto Ricans too. I hear you too – all uppity oh no I’m SPANISH from Spain. Oh I’m Portuguese not Brazilian. Take your Castilian Spanish and jam it up your ass.

France – Oh you slimy frog bastards. You bash us all the time; you roll over like a bitch in heat any time the Germans want to stroll on through on the way to world domination. To truly show you the contempt you deserve. You are recognized as East Germany.

Netherlands and Belgium – You poor pot smoking, clog dancing bastards. You are the fence between East and West Germany. You are now Pickets, because when those German tanks come rolling through you are going down like a sweet little white picket fence.

Germany, Switzerland and Austria – West Germany. Admit it, if Germany gets another case of beer balls and starts rolling panzers around Europe you guys are attached to Germany’s hip like invading Poland was all your idea.

Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland and Denmark – Inuit. I don’t get any of you, I’m lumping you in with the goddamn Inuit. Fuck them, fuck you. Eskimo bastards.

Russia, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Hungary, Czech Republic, Etc, Etc. - You know you are all getting invaded by Russia soon. You are all doomed to be absorbed by Mother Russia. As such you are now Drago’s – as in Ivan Drago. And I don’t give a shit what Rocky said – I can’t change, you can’t change, we all can’t change. I’m looking forward to what you guys can do when you start mixing Human Growth Hormone, Steroids, Creatine and The Clear for the 2012 Olympics.

Italy…. Oh my oh my Italy. I dub you the Moors. I really don’t need to say anything else.

Greece – How can I ignore the birth place of Democracy, Philosophy, Caligula and Bisexuality? What oh what is there left to say, what do I call you? How about Lesbians, since you are home to the island of Lesbos – the city retarded enough to try and sue against anyone not from Lesbos saying they are Lesbians.

Africa – You know what you all seem to be fighting the hell out of each other without any help from the Snark Sharks you guys get a free pass.

The Middle East – Odorants as in the people that de-odorants were designed for. You know there’s nothing like being stuck on a plane next to a bunch of men that hail from the Middle East. I swear it’s like you bathe in Sex Panther. PS – India you get rolled up into this group too, you may be my tech support, but for the love of god Botox your pits and save me from Burnt Nostril Syndrome.

Phase Three - Socioeconomic

Again people all the way across the country is fun and what not, but we still need to give it to someone on a more local level. This is the best way for you to also feel a little better about your station in life whether it be high powered lawyer douche or crack rock slinging welfare douche.

The Upper Class – Ok, really do you give a shit what we decide here you Zinfandel swilling swine? Whatever we choose to call you, at the end of the day you’ll go home and cry yourselves to sleep while counting your money. You are now known as the Schroeder’s as in Ricky Schroeder of Silver Spoons. Only you can be so cool as to have a train that runs through your entire house and the rest of us hate you for it.

The Middle Class – Well you poor bastards drowning in credit card debt so you can drive a car that belies your oh so standard living. Who’s staring down foreclosure if you are laid off work for a month? You are the backbone of America. So from now on you are known as The Boners.

The Lower Class – Well you poor bastards are getting the shaft on every level. But if it makes you feel better drive by the gated communities of The Rich and scare the shit out of them. Since the Upper Class has Pawn Shops, Liquor Stores and Gun Shops on every corner to keep you down, you are now LiquorGunPawns.

So there you go kids. Racism is dead – Long live Corsoism! Totally a shock that Great White didn’t end up on the Presidential ticket with ground breaking ideas like this right! Vote Great White and Hammerhead in 2012!