Snark Sharks

America's Next Top Douche Bag

It turns out that full time douche bag and part time “comedian/actor” Dane Cook also happens to be a horrible neighbor.  A few months back his landlord successfully evicted Cook, after a litany of complaints from other tenets and neighbors that he refused to clean up after his Chihuahua “Beast”.   After 3 formal warnings to clean up after his effeminate little dog, he was sent packing, and that’s where things got weird.  Cook filed an appeal alleging that the eviction would cause “emotional hardship”  The reason?  Well because the building possesses paranormal qualities of course!  His case based on the fact that John Belushi and Steve Martin were prior residents of the building and leaving would cause a career threatening case of writer’s block.

We caught up with Cook’s former landlord Ralph Furley who informed us “You know we were used to a stink around the building, but normally it was just the new material that Dane-O was working on.  He made us call him Dane-O too.  I always hated that.  What a dick.”  When pressed further Furley admitted that he filed most of the complaints against Cook.  “Well you see I kept asking him to curb his dog, I mean it’s just that he didn’t care.  Every day I would open my door to grab my newspaper….. and squish.  Foot first into a steaming pile of crap.  You know how gross it is to feel that between your toes man?”  Furley further went on to tell us that every time he took a foot dance in Beast’s shit splats that he could see Cook standing in the distance flashing his signature SU-FI or SUper Finger gesture.  The SU-FI is a hand gesture that includes flashing not just the middle finger, but the middle and the ring finger.  These are the type of things that cemented Cook’s, America’s Next Top Douche Bag  title a few years back.

When asked to comment about the situation former funny man and past tenant Steve Martin had this to add “I’m not dead.  You guys know that right?  I’m still alive, so how could I be providing him with paranormal joke mojo?”  We reminded Martin that the last time he was funny was in the late 70’s to early 80’s when he actually lived in the building.  “No shit?  Damn you think that place is open?  I really don’t want to do Cheaper By The Dozen 5 - The Bakers Dozen.  You got that Furley dude’s number?”

Here at the Snark we like to leave no stone unturned so we also hired a psychic to perform a séance/interview with Belushi as well.  While the ghost of Jake Blues was at a bit of a loss for comprehensive thought, we did glean a few more nuggets of Cook’s douchebaggery from the spectral funny man.  “You know he has a mirror above his bed.  He uses it to watch himself jack off.  He watches snuff films and kiddie porn and laughs; it’s how he get’s himself pumped for his routine.  Am I dead, hey can I get some blow?”  While we can’t confirm any of the facts that Belushi’s ghost shared with us, we agree that Cook seems like he’d be the type of guy that would jack off to his own reflection, and Furley did confirm that mirrors were indeed placed over his bed.

Cook has now decided to drop his suit, and move forward with his life.  Quite frankly the judge appointed to the case was quite disappointed.  “I think this is the only funny thing he’s ever done.  This one was a real knee slapper I tell you.”  Furley is happy to have fecal free feet, and a douche bag free building “Good riddance I say, good riddance.”