Snark Sharks

Weather is the real enemy

With no legacy to speak of, his shaky hands at the helm of an economy reeling into a recession and told not to attend the Republican convention illegitimate US “President” George W. Bush has decided to once again declare a war, this time on weather. Following flooding from Hurricane Gustav, the drenching of the East Coast from Tropical Storm Hannah and the impending destruction expected from Hurricane Ike (threats to freedom) Bush is determined to defeat the evil forces of nature by somehow having the United States military confront such conditions as wind, rain and heat.

The Pentagon, stunned and speechless, had no comment after an apparently inebriated Bush made the declaration from a golf cart careening around the White House lawn.

Bush is convinced that after his quick and magnificent handling of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, a massive storm that nearly wiped out all existing life in Louisiana and Mississippi, and his decorated military service record that he is the man to lead the United States in this ambitious crusade against the environment.

W kind of served in the Air National Guard from 1968 to 1972, two years shy of his 6-year obligation and surprisingly was never called up for active duty in Vietnam. So upset at missing his chance to kill and maim W has done everything he can since to ensure millions of people around the world experience the thrill of war by having US troops stationed en masse in Iraq, Afghanistan, Texas schools and Florida churches. Bush is appointing himself a temporary “General” for the War on Weather and has already picked out a fetching outfit to give speeches in.

W will be most remembered for his War on Terror, an ambiguous crusade that has had no clear objective, target or way of measuring success but has cost the country billions of dollars and good standing among the international community, a community Bush despises and refers to as “the French.” W also tried to declare a war on poverty but the order was tabled when it was discovered that Bush’s plan was to in fact kill the poor and not improve their condition. Other Bush targets for war include freedom, civil rights and manners.

“This weather thing, this blowing of wind and lashing of rain, well, it’s not, it’s not American to be subject to, you know, foul weather.” Bush said when the golf cart stopped for a battery charge and cooler fill up. “ As a war time leader and a real hero to the tradition of men and women in uniform I am commanding our armed forces to meet this menace head on and show climate change and these high pressure systems what a real red-blooded American thinks of nature (belch).”

Bush will watch the war on TV

Hurricane Gustav narrowly missed drowning New Orleans forever and Tropical Storm Hannah is expected to cause major flooding in the Carolinas while Hurricane Ike barrels its way towards Cuba. Bush is somehow under the impression that the forces of nature have aligned to destroy his American way of life and with light showers nearing W’s Crawford, TX ranch the “Decider” has decided to launch an all-out strike against those he deems to be supporting such natural disasters.

“Having listened carefully to what my voices tell me and after looking over really neat satellite pictures, you know, those wild images with all the neon like colors it appears clear that all these storms are being funded by our enemies in Iran.” Bush said.

When a reporter interrupted Bush to tell him that these weather systems are in fact originating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean W cracked open a beer and chuckled.

“Well, that’s what the liberal media would like you to believe but I believe in the facts I like and the intelligence that smarts me.” He said before taking a chug. “Look, I got about four more months before they make me hand my scepter over to a war god of some silly electoral process and I’m not going to back down in the face of these Muslim sponsored windy things and be known as the man who let rain ruin his parade and the god given right to impose my Texamerican values on the world.”

A spokesman for the Department of Defense stood wide-eyed and in awe when told of Bush’s declaration and had no answer to how the US would mobilize depleted divisions, use an overextended Air Force and Navy in the attack and justify a massive bombardment of clouds.

“I’m sure there’s a good explanation for this, um, comment from the President,” the spokesman said, “and as soon as I find out what it is I’ll let you know.”