Bush Declares War On Money
Hammerhead Snark | September 26, 2008
Baffled and peeved that his tired tricks of fear and panic did not sway Congress into impulsively passing through his Wall Street bail out finance legislation acting president-figure George Bush decided this evening to declare war on money, in general. “This is something we need to see and say I see you,” Bush told the internets. “It’s time to ignore Congress, ignore law and economics and bring an American fight to the international terror that is hurting good patriotic financials, and that thing is money.”
Bush demonstrates "money shield"
Congress made changes to a napkin Bush had scrawled on while dozing during a meeting with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. Bush had presented the napkin to Congress on Thursday by stumbling into the room on the tail end of a whiskey bender and smacked the napkin down on the lectern and declared, “Here’s the dag gamn answer.” Eyes blood shot and hands shaking Bush rambled out the rear exit looking for drinking buddy Clay Aiken.
Congress debated the napkin and came back with a real paper and ink document and said Bush would have to accept a compromise. Bush, found bobbing Aiken’s baby boy on his knee belched when told of the counter-proposal and dialed Dick Cheney.
Bush blanks on thought he just had
“I decide, I don’t compromise,” Bush said before speaking to his boss the Vice President. Leader pretend Bush is not used to being told no and when the words are uttered or written to him he often lashes out at those that would deny him anything. “Clay, take this thing back, if it ain’t a tard like Trig then it won’t make a good photo op.” Bush said when handing the baby over to a whiskey-sour sipping Aiken. When told by nearby staffers that Aiken had just revealed his homosexuality Bush grabbed the baby back and said his handling of a gay’s infant would maybe make him more likable.
With full scale involvement in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and surely Iran and following a recent campaign against weather (shameless plug) Bush is again asking the US military to fix a situation he created and restore “happy order” to the place and all. Bush feels guns make people calm. Financial analysts are rating traders and banks to determine odds on most-probable targets.
“The likelihood of a major strike on let’s say a big bank or hot shot hedge fund manager is increasing,” An anonymous speculator said from a basement trading room on Long Island. “I think the whole war idea is a bit extreme but I’m sure it will involve an explosion somewhere in the country and Goldman Sachs is looking pretty damn good right now.”
The situation is indeed dire. Warren Buffett called the recent shocks, “an economic Pearl Harbor” while other moneymen used comforting words like “grave threats” and “total ruin.” The consensus is the United States is just a tad inflated.
Bush is rich, he could care less
On the table is a $700 billion bail out package that will prop up failing banks and credit lenders and allow them to continue their shady business practices with a full federal safety net to catch the imbecile speculators. After months of denial regarding the US economy Bush has finally accepted that there may be “a small glitch or something” and vows to bring money down.
“The proposal is big, and the reason it’s big is because it’s a big problem,” Bush said. “You can’t tackle a big problem with a little thing it has to be a big thing. Sure, so you let freedom ring from like a tank or fighter plane.”
As confused reporters looked at each other for explanation Bush waved off further questions and pulled out a nickel-plated .357 Magnum and cocked back the trigger.
“Look, I’m not interested in spending the last three months in office writing thank you notes and stealing silverware,” Bush said. “I came in with a war and I’m going out with a war. Money, wherever you are and however you do I’m gunning for you. Oil On!”
Bush fired a shot into the ceiling and left.
