Big Bang Heard Around Cold Dead World
Hammerhead Snark | September 10, 2008
Today scientists at the CERN fired up the Large Hadron Collider located in a small suburb northwest of Geneva on the border between France and Switzerland sending it’s first protons through a 17 mile tunnel (story). The $9 billion experiment funded by 20 European states will simulate the split second after the Big Bang and in so doing explain the beginning of planet earth.
But after the first proton was fired a second proton, the infamous Higgs boson (aka “God’s Particle”) was accidentally shot in the other direction and the force of the collision yielded a hazy hologram of legendary dead actor Charlton Heston in full Moses attire who thus spake of creationism and intelligent design and that the earth, solar system and galaxy are actually the product of his “cold dead hands”.
Giddy scientists, physicists and other kids you used to push into lockers have been working for years on the largest physics project ever and were hoping for a successful test run but nothing prepared them for what they actually saw. Initially the CERN nerds were going to test two beams of particles called protons in different directions around the ring-shaped tunnel at different times but a miscommunication led to the Big Bang actually occurring when the beams were fired simultaneously.
“This is odd.” Project Director Lyn Evans said when witnessing Heston’s hologram emerging.
Two years late and over-budget the LHC was not ready to simulate the Big Bang until numerous tests had been run but fate intervened and now science is under the gun to explain their crazy evolution theories.
At approximately 1400 BST the two protons collided and an earth-shattering explosion occurred followed by an eerie silence and the voice of a programmer saying “umm”. Then a purple cloud formed and the voice of Heston was heard laughing.
Kill!
“You blew it up, damn you all to hell!” Heston roared before appearing from the cloud as a 3-D hologram complete with flowing robe, long grey beard and still clutching the iconic musket he holds so dear to his cold dead heart.
Heston, who died in April of 2008, was the star of such films as Planet of the Apes, The Ten Commandments and Ben Hur, in which he won an Academy Award for Best Actor.
Through the 1960’s Heston was a strong supporter of both John and Robert Kennedy, opposed the Vietnam War and was actually in favor of gun control.
Heston & Zera conceive Sarah Palin
However, after watching the Kennedy bothers get blown away by licensed firearms, kissing a chimp in the Apes flick and voting for Nixon in 1970 Heston became a right-wing cheerleader and the spokesman for the National Rifle Association. Heston died of complications from Alzheimer’s that was diagnosed in 2002 but many believe the square-jawed actor lost his marbles in 1968.
Heston emerged from the dust and lectured the shocked contingency on religion and science and explained that he had been miscast in The Ten Commandments since he was not Moses but in fact the god we all know and fear.
“You wanted answers and now I’m giving you answers,” Heston said. “I am mass, I am the Iron Man, I am the egg man, sam I am the shizzle fo nizzle, fool.”
Scientists at the CERN scrambled for cover and many fled the underground test center as Heston swirled in delight and fired off several rounds from his beloved musket.
After the ruckus had calmed down a disheveled spokesman for the CERN said they believe the image and voice were a trick concocted by evangelical diehards who view the LHC as a threat to religion, faith and small atoms.
“Really, when we successfully smash these protons head on there is a good chance religion will become obsolete,” the spokesman said. “We’re not sure about Mr. Heston or his back-to-lifer backers but we’re all pretty wigged out right now about the whole prank, and it was a prank, you know, like what’s up with that. This is science, not gay Hollywood shit”
The hologram eventually faded away with Heston mumbling more obscure lyrics and recipes for fruit cake. Once the smoke had cleared CERN technicians were frantically trying to reset the expensive equipment.
“This is a set back, sure,” the spokesman said. “But none of us really liked Heston’s movies and I’m sure another test can produce someone much more interesting. Where my cigarettes at?”
The CERN will not say when the next test will be conducted but have already ruled out any media being present.
