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Weird Al passes gas at press conference

Al Davis, the weird little owner of the Oakland Raiders, isn’t sure if he fired head coach Lane Kiffin or not (story). Davis has a reputation for being a feisty little cracker but now nearing his 80^th birthday he has become forgetful, prone to bad personnel decisions and generally off his rocker. “Did I fire him?” Davis asked reporters gathered around his snake pit after the Raiders downed the Kansas City Chiefs yesterday. “I don’t know. I know I don’t like him.”

Davis has a long and storied history being as outlandish, standoffish and thuggish as his once feared men in black. But the Raider heyday was in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s and since Marcus Allen was dumped and Tim Brown retired the team slogan “Commitment to Excellence” has become a league-wide joke as Oakland has endured one horrendous season after another. “Half ass to mediocrity” would be a better fit for this island of misfit toys.

Davis is partly, or mostly, to blame. He goes through head coaches the way Michael Vick devoured pure canine meat, made one-hit wonders Larry Brown and Desmond Howard silly rich after fleeting moments of glory in the Super Bowl and has refused to adapt to the shifting tides of the NFL game. While most teams deal with agents and lawyers Davis still makes personal calls (on a rotary dial phone no less) asking confused free agents 1) if they will accept the charges and 2) if they “want to be Raaaidas”. No, not really, Al. Most players these days want decent money, a structured system and a chance to win a game or two in their career, three things you can’t offer.

Who the hell are you?

Davis has made it clear for some time that he does not like current head coach Lane Kiffin but no one is really sure if he’s been fired or not. Kiffin still shows up to practice and games and is under the impression that he is in fact the coach.

“I’m still getting paid,” Kiffin said when asked about the situation. “If that stops then I guess I stop.”

Kiffin has now become the NFL version of Milton Waddles from Office Space, meandering around the Oakland practice fields mumbling if anyone has seen his clipboard. Davis has not officially made any statement regarding Kiffin but he has left several yellow sticky notes around Kiffin’s office that offer such motivational gems as “I don’t like you”, “You suck, leave” and “Who’s fired?”

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There was a time when Davis was the rebel of the NFL, challenging every owner and television deal while proudly holding the reigns of such vicious legends as Ted Hendricks, Otis Sistrunk, Lester Hayes and Art Shell. But times have changed and Al Davis hasn’t, leaving the Raiders to list aimlessly in his senile wake. Sure the Oakland faithful still show up in hordes to create the mythical Black Hole at home games but you get the feeling that under that silver and black war paint and plastic shoulder pad spikes lays an accountant with a VW station wagon full of diaper wipes in the parking lot. The mystique of the Raiders is as dead as steroid-freak Lyle Alzado and not even Darren McFadden can bring it back.

Davis looked perplexed when reporters told him that Kiffin would not leave until fired since resignation would cost him most of his salary.

“Who?” Davis asked.

“Your head coach, Lane Kiffin.” A reporter replied.

“Never heard of him,” Davis said. “You think he wants to be a Raaidah?”