Snark Sharks

Mmmmm, Donuts

Star First Baseman of the Milwaukee Brewers Major League Baseball franchise has recently gone on record admitting that he is not only big and fat, but he is a big fat liar. Prince Semen Fielder the portly position player portrayed himself to be a vegan to his family, friends, and fans at large. (Editor Correction: Fielder’s middle name is Semien) However he has recently admitted off the record to the Snark that it was all a sham. “Look at me, you know” Fielder told us when we ran in the the round mound of round trippers “I’m 5′11 and 270 pounds you know.  Do you honestly think this is all lettuce and carrots, you know?”

When we ran in to Fielder he was enjoying a leisurely “All You Can Eat Buffet” from a local Detroit BBQ joint.  “Man, I can’t believe I ran into you guys.  I love the Snark Sharks, you all the funniest motherfuckers out there, you know?  I guess if someone had to be busting my ass, I’m glad it’s you guys, you know?”  We found the plump ball thumper face deep in his sixth full rack of baby back ribs.  “Man, I just can’t say no to a good barbecue man, you know?  You know it’s damn hard to pretend I don’t eat meat.  But at least it’s a little easier on the road you know?”  It turns out that his ponderously large lie was very easily explained away.

“My wife, Chanel was reading that book Skinny Bitch, and she was all up in that shit.  You know it had been a few days since she let me play hide the sausage with her, and she was all like Yeah baby we should totally go vegan this book is crazy.  So I just said, yeah I mean I was sporting a full blown kielbasa, I would have agreed to play in the Mexican league if she asked”.  He told us that he never read the book and didn’t even have a clue what it was about, but he knew something was arwy when he came home and all his favorite meat treats had been throw out.  “She threw out ribs, chicken, steak, burgers, hot dogs.  Man she threw away about a grand worth of meat you know?  It sucked”

For those not in the know Skinny Bitch is a “diet book” that isn’t particularly a book, a diet, or a diet book written by a couple of vegan zealot’s who are apparently bitches.  While we at the Snark give them credit if full for acknowledging in advance that they are indeed “bitches”, we find the book is more PETA rhetoric than actual diet tips.  Famous anorexic bobble-head doll / fashionista Victoria “Posh” Beckham is a know backer of the vegan propaganda riddled best seller.

Fielder admits that he made a huge mistake when he traded his beloved meat for a meager one slap and tickle fest.  “Man, if I knew I was giving up meat… I mean MEAT, baby.  Look at me dog, you think you get to 5′11 and 270 pounds by skipping seconds, thirds, and fourths on the meat?  I mean if I knew I was giving up meat, I woulda at least got me some more shaky shaky, wobble wobble out of the whole thing man.  You know?”  He admits at first we put up a brave front trying veggie burgers, tofurkey and veggie breakfast sausage.  “Man that stuff is nasty.  You ever eat a tofurkey man?  They should call that shit Tofooty is like one part tofu, one part sweaty foot.”  Unfortunately Prince is still just keeping things status quo at home.  “I been on a pretty good run you know.  She’s still getting frisky about 3 times a week which is pretty good for a married man.  I think she needs the protein.”

At this point the biggest fear that Prince has is not that she will find that he’s cheating, but that he never read the book.  “Man she’s asked me about that damn book like 100 times.  I just always tell her yeah baby, you know, that book is really good.  Changed my life.  Changed my life.”  He also seems to think that there is good chance that his degenerate former ballplayer father Cecil is having him tailed so he can uncover the shame meatless existence that Fielder is living.  “I know he wants some money man, you know?  That bastard is always trying to milk more money out of me.  I mean he’s a degenerate gambler and he’s coaching a Can-Am League team in Atlantic City.  Atlantic City, you know?”  As we left the robust first baseman he waded his way over to the buffet to help himself to another rack of ribs.

Editor Note - Excessive use of the phrase “you know” is not poor writing is infact a mocking of Prince’s horrendous post game interviews for those who do not follow baseball.