Snark Sharks

Thanks George! Felling Much Better!

Sensing another season slipping away the New York Yankees are determined to make injury prone prima donna Carl Pavano pitch some time this year. This is akin to renting a convertible and driving with the top down even if it rains simply because you paid for the damn convertible. Since signing a 4-year contract with the Yankees in 2005 worth $39.95 million Pavano has gone 5-6 in 19 appearances and used a laundry list of injuries to excuse himself from pitching.

Under previous owner George Steinbrenner (Bastard the 1^st) this was not a big deal. Steinbrenner frequently wasted money on whatever he wished and chances are he may not have even known Pavano was injured since the owner spent most of the past decade fawning over Derek Jeter. But now his son Hank (Bastard the 2^nd) is running the ship into the ground and he has less tolerance for diminishing returns.

While Hank possesses about as much baseball sense as daddy, which is none, he does know Pavano is technically on the team, being paid and faking his ass out of playing. The Yankees have stated that Pavano may pitch as early as this Saturday when New York travels to Baltimore. Still tickets available, folks. Lot’s of ‘em. 

“I don’t care if he has a fucking bullet in his head,” Hank was rumored to have said, “that little bitch is pitching for us whether he likes it or not.”

Pavano was an attractive prospect in 2005. He had just completed a stellar 2004 season in which he went 18-8 with a 3.00 ERA for the Florida Marlins, the season after he helped Florida win the 2003 World Series by tossing 8 innings of one run ball in Game 4 against, you guessed it, the Yankees. Incidentally, 2003 was the last year the Yanks made the World Series.

Mr. Glass opened his Yankee career well, going 4-2 with a 3.69 ERA until June of ’05 when the wily one figured out he didn’t have to actually play to get paid. Since that time Pavano has blamed his shoulder, elbow and ribs for missing games and also had the cojones to cite “bruised buttocks” as a reason for not playing. Don’t ask, he won’t tell.

Unsure of how Pavano will perform the Yankees are in such desperate straits that they seem to be willing to send him out regardless.

“We pay, he pitches, it’s that simple,” Hank said. “Maybe daddy saw things differently but I’m in charge now and I say that faker takes the ball and throws it. And if not then he’s going to clean the dugout, carry luggage or hold A-Rod’s mirror but cats on fire he’s doing something for the wad of cash we’ve wasted on him.”

Pavano was unavailable for comment (toothache, scurvy, rickets, etc…) but his agent Tom O’Connell offered this reply.

“I don’t know that the Yankees are in any position to say who pitches and who doesn’t. I don’t think that’s their call. We’ll decide if and when Carl chooses to play or not. If he doesn’t feel well he doesn’t feel well, OK?” 

Currently the Yankees are 66-58 and 10 games out of first place in the American League East and 5.5 games behind best friends Boston in the Wild Card.