Snark Sharks

Keeps quiet girl ors Grandad gonna beat yer hide with dis here feeyash

Barely a week after two Georgia clowns were busted for faking a Sasquatch capture (wtf?) another Southerner has spun a tall tale that will eventually form a noose around his red neck. Matt Whitton and Rick Dyer finally ‘fessed up that their Bigfoot was in fact a rubber costume (so close, guys) but so far North Carolina granddaddy David Hayes is sticking by his story that his granddaughter hooked a 21-pound channel catfish and while she was in the outhouse peeing he reeled it in… with a plastic Barbie fishing rod (really, WTF!).

Here at the Snark we enjoy a good lie, in fact we’re often the ones spinning the yarns of make believe that inch us that much closer to a lawsuit we can’t possibly afford to fight, but it’s all in good fun and we don’t really expect anyone to believe the words we put into the mouths of our prey. You know those quotes are made up, right? And in this golden age of human evolution telling lies has become an art form as we all try to convince each other of the George Carlin maxim that “our shit is stuff and other people’s stuff is shit”. But we enjoy good lies, especially ones that get spoiled kids into trouble, not the ‘you wouldn’t know her, she lives in Canada’ line.

This Hayes bullshit apparently happened on August 5th but only now is the North Carolina Wildlife Commission confirming that it’s not only a catch but also a state record. Part of the joy of fishing is exaggerating the stories but it usually involves the one that got away. Hayes is so Dixie nuts he’s actually trying to turn this fantasy into a reel deal (couldn’t resist).

Had Hayes simply sat on his porch, spit some chaw, drank a few brews and annoy his live-in relatives with the lie of the 6-pound test line dragging in a 21-pound fish it would all have been well and good. Just to stretch the tale a little further the fish measured 32 inches, which would have made it 2 inches longer than the alleged pole. But good ole boy had to go and stake his claim to those 15-minutes of fame and get the media involved.

Now, courtesy of a little Snark investigation, everyone should know that the rod is actually the design of Shakespeare Fishing (simply licensed under the Barbie trademark and painted pink) and that Grandpappy may have a moonshine habit. Honestly, did you really think glam gal Barbie would have a fishing rod? I don’t even think the plastic diva would eat fish, much less catch it. But Hayes done swear that when little Alyssa went to whiz he took the dainty rod and hooked not just any fish, but a state record for channel catfish. Hiccup. Really, Hayes, why stop there? Why not toss in that you actually walked across the surface of the water, used your Tar Heel powers to levitate the catfish and then outraced Michael Phelps back to shore? And how is all this possible… because the only possible witness was taking a leak.

Hayes, you clever cracker. Enjoy your state record and all the trappings that go with it, the 6% discount at the Piggly Wiggly, a can of sardines and the 111^th edition of the Used Car Salesman’s Guide To Not Telling The Truth.  You earned it. Now give little Alyssa her rod back and go back to the nipping shed, you bad liar you.