Snark Sharks

You want chips with that shiner?

So we at the Snark - have scored quite possibly our biggest scoop to date.  We scored an interview with the Ozzman himself and got to the bottom of Kelly Osborne’s recent facial trauma.  When I sat down with the Ozzmeister, I had originally asked for a one on one, but after about two minutes of incoherent nonsense, three blackouts, and a grand mal seizure by Ozzy; I decided that Sharon needed to be in on the interview.  Below are the transcripts of my interview with Ozzy and Sharon:

Great White - So by now you know that everyone has seen the pictures of Kelly right?

Ozzy - gggrgglezzzz ayaaaaryearrr ballallaararadrassassa.

Sharon - Quite right Ozzy.  He say yes, he’s certain you’ve seen them and he is ready willing and able to answer any and all questions to the best of his ability with the verve, wit and charm that you’ve come to know and expect from him.

Great White – Seriously?

Sharon – That’s what he said verbatim you prick, you heard him.

Ozzy – gurrrrrg.

Great White – Ok.  Well, tell us.  What happened to Kelly?

Ozzy – greeeeegggggaaaa zzzeeeeeppppppaas a hurrrrsssashhgahassssssra fluuuuurckkkkken zwammmbleeddd urgeaaaa.

Great White – Jigga what?

Sharon – He said could you repeat the question, he blacked out for a moment.  He also wanted to know if you had any Darvocet on you.

Great White – Um ok, no.  Ozzy.  What happened to Kelly?

Ozzy – Ohhhhhh arairarararareasdsaeasese lsdisislalsldfawsieiaiasiejowsieiweowie  alslalllalawwowowoosureoeos soeiewuwoosdihjeiseofijw oeirwoeruwoeiru a sdhfoweuf sk woieir kshdowqpe fsdf qwejhqwieufy awsef ldksfjaoweifhuq weokz lakseh idsufhawoieuchwepijhf ggggggggggggggggggggrg.

Great White – Ok um, how do you spell that?

Sharon – You pompous bastard. That’s my family I will stab you in the face, do you hear me?  I have killed for less.  I will rip off your testicles and feed them to Ozzy for dinner.

Ozzy – Geresf

Great White – Ooooh-kay.  Um so what did he say?

Sharon – Seriously I think you need to have your ears checked you rat bastard fuck.  What he said was that – When he woke up from a black out or a seizure or stroke… he can’t really remember which, he found Kelly prying his magic bag from his vomit covered hands.

Ozzy – grrrfff

Great White – Magic bag?

Sharon – You really aren’t bright are you?  Were your parent’s brother and sister?  Jesus Christ you mongoloid bastard.  His magic bag.  You know the place where you keep your Heroin, Speed, Coke, Pot, Meth, Xanex, Darvocet, Percocet, Ecstasy, Hash, Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Methadone, Opium, Temazepam, GHB, Peyote, Acid, Mescaline, Quaaludes, Special K, PCP, Valium, Soma, Roofies and Phenobarbitol.

Great White – oh.  Um that Magic Bag.  Where would you keep the aspirin and the formaldehyde?

Sharon – In the medicine closet like everyone else you idiot.

Great White – But of course.  So she grabs his brain death, I mean Magic Bag… Then what?

Sharon – You are a glib and pompous cunt of a man aren’t you?  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die in a tiger cage?  I will put you in a cage with Siegfried and Roy’s tigers you cheeky bastard.

Ozzy – zzzzzzzzzz

Great White – I think he’s asleep.

Sharon – Well of course he is you magnificent bastard, you grilling him what do you expect him to do?

Great White – You don’t think it had anything to do with the three bottles of pills he just poured into a bowl of milk and ate like they were cheerios?

Sharon – I swear on my life I am going to cut off your head with a dull blade and jam it up your ass you prick.

Great White – Sounds uncomfortable.

Ozzy – woeihfaopiwuehfaiuoefha fiufheai ouishdf aipwue hf aoiuw wioye ahaiue hawehc oaiwue yh

Sharon – That’s right Ozzy.

Great White – Ok so what happened after that?

Sharon – Well what the hell would you do you simpleton?  He did what any good father would do.  He hit her in the head with a nearby baseball bat.

Great White –Why would you have a baseball bat within reach of Ozzy?

Ozzy – weroei  seyhuios ef o wiehroaesiu  Matthew McConaughey.

Great White – Did he just say Matthew McConaughey?

Sharon – Yes, he keeps a bat in the living room every since he saw that Reign of Fire movie.  He always is being attacked by dragons.

Great White – Dragons?

Sharon – Did I stutter you taint licking cock gobbler.

Great White – That’s Hammer.

Sharon – What?  What did you just say to me you ugly wombat of a sheep fucking douche bag.

Great White – Never mind.  So what happened after the Louisville Slugger to the cranium?  How’d she get the black eye?

Ozzy – geowefuowuefeoiu fw weoifywoeyfowu ttttttttttrp.

Great White – Did he just fart?  Christ, I think he shit himself.  It smells like Newark in here.

Sharon – Listen you shit sniffing anal leakage, I will drop you off the Empire State Building into a pit of rusty knives and cobras if you say one more word against my husband.

Great White – Ok, noted.  Knives and Cobras.

Sharon – Rusty knives.

Great White – Yes, is there any other kind.  So the black eye?

Ozzy – geroeuoeauaosdure owiuf  aoseiuf aoeiufa oeiuf aosiu fnwejhbuwye dwiuefg ausf weh

Sharron – Well after he knocked her out with the bat, he picked up our dog Minnie, and he repeatedly bashed Kelly in the eye with Minnie.

Great White – He hit her with the dog?

Sharon – How else do you discipline your child you whore mongering farm for sexually transmitted diseases?

Great White – Indeed.  Spare the baseball bat, and Pomeranian and spoil the child.

Ozzy – grergggeregereee feeee.

Sharon – I am going to find where you live you festering boil on the ass of humanity.  I will find you, and when you least expect it, I am going to ram rusty nails in your eyes while anally raping you with a Garden Weasel.

Great White – Well, we’ll certainly look forward to that.

So there you have it kiddies, Ozzy lay a beat down on Kelly for touching the stash.  So keep your hands off Daddy’s Magic Bag Kelly.