Snark Sharks

The Evolution of the Diva-Ceivers

With the NFL season soon upon us it’s time to explore a phenomena that has been developing ever since Billy “White Shoes” Johnson first did his chicken leg dance in the end zone. It’s no secret that wide receiver has become the position of bitch and catch in pro football and each year the diva attitude and 3^rd person reference make Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson and Randy Moss resemble a reincarnation of Destiny’s Petulant Children more than former NFL greats Fred Biletnikof, John Stallworth and Art Monk. So how did we go from a fun touchdown celebration to As the Receiver Turns Our Stomachs?

End zone dances used to be fun. From the White Shoes waddle and Butch Johnson moon walk to the Redskin Fun Bunch and the John Jefferson/Kellen Winslow elevated high five the celebration of a quick-six was just an exclamation point on a great pass play. But then Michael Irvin arrived in Dallas and things just haven’t been the same. Now, receivers have always been a finicky breed, if you recall the games best receiver of all time, Jerry Rice, would spend at least 30 minutes prior to a game simply adjusting his uniform in a mirror. His rational was if he didn’t look good he didn’t play good and it’s hard to argue with a man who holds nearly every receiving record there is. But playing and posing are two different things. Granted, Irvin was a terrific receiver who used his size and toughness to make up for his average speed but what senior ‘Cane brought to the NFL was a showman’s thirst for attention. Irvin didn’t just celebrate touchdowns he made three-act plays out of introductions and simple 7-yard out patterns.

And while Irvin was strutting to the crowds jeering and cheering him other divas came along to inject a me-first pout that would become the standard for playing wide out in the NFL. Names like Andre Rison, Keyshawn Johnson and Terry Glen still send GM’s into a defensive posture with fountain pens held as daggers and ergonomic office chairs used as shields. “What does the bitch want now?” is probably the standard response to a query from a wide receivers agent.

Being separated from the interior action, playing offense and running and jumping have combined, along with outrageous contracts, endorsement deals and accessory jewelry to create the Diva-Ceiver… a talented, ego-centric, controlling performer with a penchant for pouting and hiding cell phones in end zone pads. To the Diva-Ceiver the football field is to him what the stage is to Barbara Streisand, the catwalk is to Tyra Banks and bullying is to Bill O’Reilly: private property. Moss, Owens and Johnson don’t approach a football game the way Brian Urlacher, Peyton Manning or Steve Hutchinson does. Where the latter see a chance to compete the former see a chance to shine.

Unfortunately for the modern Diva-Ceivers they have failed to do what such pioneering Divas like Rice and Irvin did, win Super Bowls. Fans, coaches and teammates tend to tolerate attitude and showmanship better when confetti is raining down and a Disney official is counting down to your famous theme park plug. But when your moments of glory include walking off the field before the game is over, sucker punching teammates in practice and showboating when you’re team is 7-9 then the act becomes tiring.

I’ll continue to report on the Diva-Ceiver throughout the season, commenting on those precious moments of Celine Dion reincarnations that turn Owens from a gutsy player to a crying behind sunglasses beeeyatch but for now enjoy the current Diva Top 5:

5) Jeremy Shockey – New Orleans Saints: Wow, goldie locks, did you ever fuck up. For years you tormented Eli Manning and most of the other New York Giants with your complaining and whining about being open, having nice hair and simply existing but you rose to Diva level during last year’s Giant Super Bowl run when you broke your leg. Instead of rallying around replacement Kevin Boss and being there for the team you watched the Super Bowl from a luxury box, pulled a no-show for the ring ceremony and blew off the White House trip. Now I applaud you snubbing George Bush, he’s not really our President, but your infantile behavior during one of the greatest moments in storied Giants history is pure Diva.

4) Chad Johnson – Cincinnati Bengals: Will he play, will he show up, will he catch passes, will he hire Paula Abdul to choreograph his next TD show? Who knows? The talented and mercurial Johnson continues to confuse fans and teammates with his fence-sitting attitude toward the Bengals. But as Corey Dillon and many other former Cincy players will attest life as a Bengal ain’t exactly easy. The Bungles have a proud history of stupidity and I can’t really fault Johnson for wanting out. However, the cellphone incident, the I Can’t Be Stopped book and overall flakiness make Ocho Cinco a Beyonce in waiting.

3) Steve Smith – Carolina Panthers: Tough guys can be Divas too. Just check out Mr. Smith. Arguably one of the NFL’s roughest receivers Smith also has a knack for not playing nice with teammates. This week he escalated his ongoing feud with Panther CB Ken Lucas by knocking him senseless during a practice when both were on the sideline with their helmets off. Smith will be suspended two games for his latest foray into boxing. In 2002 Smith decked another teammate, Anthony Bright, during a film session. When Smith is playing a real game he’s a force to reckon with, for the rest of the time he needs parental supervision.

2) Randy Moss – New England Patriots: Since he entered the NFL Moss has had a boulder size chip on his slender shoulders. The Diva has constantly lived off the fact that many teams passed him up in the draft because of his behavior issues and one would have to assume that drives him more than winning a ring. Moss has a portfolio of childish antics from walking out on the Vikings while time still remained in a game, squirting a referee with a water bottle, pretending to moon the Green Bay Packer fans, driving his SUV into a Minneapolis meter maid and being ornery and prickly with every reporter who ever asked him a question. Everyone thought the trade to the Patriots would settle Moss down and it did to the point that he could set several receiving records with Tom Brady tossing him the ball but Moss was MIA in the Super Bowl loss to the Giants and again the talk is that Randy plays for Randy and no one else.

1) Terrell Owens – Dallas Cowboys: Big D deserves Big T. Owens began his ascension to Diva Supreme in San Francisco when he clashed with then 49’er QB Jeff Garcia going so far as to question Garcia’s sexuality. Owens then forced a trade to the Baltimore Ravens, bailed on that before it even started and ended up in Philadelphia where he helped the Eagles get to the Super Bowl but came up short in a close loss to the Patriots. Owens took the opportunity to let everyone know he played hurt and then decided it was Donovan McNabb who was to blame. TO then played hide and seek with the Eagle front office, performed sit-ups in his driveway and made Diana Ross look like a team player. Owens got shipped out again, this time to the dysfunctional Cowboys, where he made crying after games and OD’ing on pills a confirmation that indeed everything is bigger in Texas, even the Divas.