Snark Sharks

 

Being the Snark’s resident homosexual (not gay mind you, that’s a culture and one Double H doesn’t mesh with) it’s time to launch my weekly feature known as Queer Eye on the Sports Guys. In this column I’ll will combine my skewered take on sports with a unique sartorial vision and give you a refreshing look at what’s hip, what sucks and what just plain confuses me when it comes to fashion and athletics. So steal some fizzy lifting drink, twirl twice and enjoy my completely biased peek into the style of modern sports.

NFL:

 

It’s bad enough the Bills lost four Super Bowls in a row, have to deal with OJ Simpson being their best all-time player and reside in the forbidden Arctic zone known as Buffalo but do they have to continue with the schizophrenic uniform disasters? Really, how many stripes do you count on the lame red helmets? And the road kind-of-whites have these weird patches of color that makes one think some retard with bad fabric played dress up. Compare with the classic, clean uniforms on the right and tell me what would look better in -20 degree weather.

 

 

 

MLB:

Great White may not enjoy my ranking on his Orioles but haven’t the residents of Baltimore suffered enough under the Pete Angelos reign of terror? The O’s once had a classic, fun and colorful logo with a big silly bird that looked great on hats. Then they decided to give us the rendition seen on the left that looks like something your best friend in 2^nd grade who had an aptitude for drawing might sketch during recess. Baltimore, my advice is go retro with the big silly bird, get some decent players and storm the Angelos home with torches and pitchforks.

 

 

 

 

NBA:

 

Hate to nail the DC area twice but the basketball gods have not been kind to Washington. From Chris Webber and Kwame Brown to the forgettable Michael Jordan comeback and mismanagement the Bullets have been deceived by this awful Wizard creation and are under the spell of a fashion-challenged front office. Logos and names are supposed to represent the city and Bullets fit DC to a bang-bang T. There are no Wizards in our nations capital if there were our government wouldn’t be the international joke it is. Go back to the Bullets, guys, and then put one in that gay-ass Wizards head.

 

 

 

NHL:

Always confused by Carolina. First, get together with the Panthers and figure out if you are in North Carolina or South Carolina and call yourselves such. There is no state called Carolina. Once you’ve got your geography down then decide if that whirling swirl of whatthefuckisit really is right for your look. Storms are never easy to depict or predict. The Miami Hurricanes didn’t even bother trying and settled for the iconic “U” that has become recognized the world over as the gang symbol for assault and battery. Think of changing the name or continue to deal with young fans like this charming bloke signaling his opinion of your logo design.

 

 

 

NCAA Football:

Oh Oregon, what did you do to piss Nike off? The brand that gives us so many fine styles of athletic wear never ceases to disappoint when they outfit the Ugly Ducks year in and out. Confusing, clashing, color blind and chaotic the football players at Oregon not only have to deal with not being very good but they endure the taunts of opposing players who have even more reason to laugh at them when up by 40 points at the half. There is no solution to fix what’s wrong with the Ducks, only to continue down the path of hallucinogenic inspired uniform atrocities by adding fashion joker John Galliano’s spring 2009 ideas to your closet of bad ideas. Maybe with the design at right USC will laugh so hard you can score on them.