Snark Sharks

Preparing to Greet New Conquerers

Having just signed a controversial and strategically useless defense shield deal with the United States (bad idea) oft-attacked Poland has all but guaranteed it will be invaded yet again. The only question that remains is which war-mongering neighbor will trash their yard this time. Russia has indicated verbally it is interested in attacking the eastern European nation while Vegas odds makers include Germany, the Czech Republic and even the United States as potential candidates to give Poland it’s first taste of hell, fire and brimstone this century.

Aggressive and unwarranted invasions are nothing new to the Poles. In 1915 they were caught between the forces of Germany and Russia in World War One and at one point were so confused by the number of hordes crashing through their border that they were simultaneously fighting for and against Germany, Russia and Austria. In 1939, loaded on amphetamines and cheap beer Hitler’s Nazi nuts blitzed Western Poland in a matter of minutes while good buddy Russia, tanked on vodka, decided it was a fine time to seize Eastern Poland. The Poles weathered World War Two in a state of perpetual shellshock and were rewarded by becoming permanent lap dogs of the Soviet Union via the KGB in 1945. It wasn’t until 1989 that Poland would gain independence during Mikhail Gorbachev’s fire sale of vassal states.

The Poles have suffered their share of popular jokes but the snake-bit people are not stupid. Nineteen years of freedom can only mean one thing in this part of the world… incoming!

“My great grandfather, he shot. My grandfather, he blow up. My father, he live in gulag before friend kill him with shovel.” Said one Warsaw resident of his family’s history. “I expect same fate. We are not lucky people.”

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin denies his country has any intentions of attacking Poland but his statement regarding the future security of the country was vague and disturbing.

“We have many bullets and much shiny rockets,” Putin said. “We need use or they go bad. Today? No, it late. Tomorrow new day with sun come up so see what happen. To big country with nuclear noise makers all the world is like training ground.”

Positioned between a resurgent Russia and always dangerous Germany has created a state of constant paranoia in this unfortunate area. While Poland is technically buffered by Belarus, Lithuania and Ukraine on the east they are not convinced such speed bumps or the new U.S. shield will do anything to stop Russia from proudly marching on their heads.

“To big bears we are like little children, fun to push around and dress up.” Another Polish citizen said while putting sand bags in front of his cart of broken bricks. “I only hope attack is quick and we get food rations.”

Though the Polish armed forces have been put on high alert there is little alarm running though the ranks.

“Many things worth dying for,” one soldier said while playing cards on a tread-less tank, “Poland not one of them.”

And while the U.S. has promised missile defense shields that will look menacing when Russian armored divisions sweep right past them many Poles believe this is nothing more than a cruel joke by the U.S. to provoke Russian into attacking it. 

“Shields? We don’t need shields.” One Polish woman said. “We need move our ass to nice place, safe place, place like Serbia.”

In fact the U.S. is not sending any shields, rather 10 interceptor rockets that will work in conjunction, theoretically, with a radar station in the Czech Republic that so far consists of man named Haclev and his transistor radio. The rockets will require assembly and U.S. Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice said that instructions and tech support would cost extra. 

Another man, busy painting Russian and German flag colors on separate welcome signs, summed up Poland’s situation. 

“We seem exist for misery and punishment.” He said. “I live through Hitler, through Stalin, through Gierek and Soviet goons. In Poland we expect two things, crappy buildings and same crappy buildings demolished every few decades by neighbors.”