Snark Sharks

Remember These?

Having tried so hard for the past seven months to forget their crushing loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII New England Patriot owner Robert Kraft bitch-slapped his entire team back to reality by handing out the backhanded compliment “18-1” rings to the team in a private ceremony at Gillette Stadium (story). Insider sources believe Kraft is using the rings to motivate his minions into never, ever losing another game again. Ever. 

Just when it seemed all had been forgotten, these are the Bill Belichick Pats – they don’t forgive, Kraft picked a fine time to stir up the ghosts of failures past. One side of the rings proclaim “16-0 – AFC Champions” while the other has the taunt “18-1” etched in it. Appraisers are trying to determine if the rings have any real value.

Team officials hailed the disappointing season as the “4^th Greatest Achievement” in team history behind the three Super Bowls they won, obviously drawing collective blanks on Irving Fryar and his wife’s knife fight, the drafting of Hart Lee Dykes and the terrific tenures of Dick MacPherson and Pete Carroll. Kraft also presented the team with an autographed picture of David Tyree’s amazing catch that highlighted the Giants game winning drive. 

“Is this a joke?” All-Pro quarterback Tom Brady was overheard saying as he stared in disbelief at the ring he has no use for. “Do they know who the hell I am?”

Remember, these are the Patriots… they only play to win, don’t shake hands if they lose and see how often they can cheat and get away with it. These are the holier-than-thou kings of New England, the us-against-the-world denizens of Coach Belichick’s delusional world where three super bowl trophies somehow make you an underdog. Taking pride in last year would be as disastrous as graciously accepting defeat. Hoodie plays to win or he doesn’t play at all. 

“Does this mean we won?” Asked a confused Randy Moss when presented with the only ring he’s ever been given. Veteran linebacker Mike Vrabel informed Moss it did not at which point the tall and angry receiver threw his ring away.

Patriot lineman and team snitch Nick Kaczur retrieved Moss’ ring and said he would most likely try to sell it on E-bay to help pay his way out of the Oxycodone scandal he is involved in. After buying 100 of the prescription-only painkiller pills with $3,900 in cash the resident weasel wore a wire for the Feds and sold out his dealer.

Kaczur has come to symbolize the type of men Belichick has been molding. When asked about his involvement in the case Kaczur went into W mode by stating, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, bro,” according to a Boston Globe report. “I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Kaczur then had to shut the blinds to his front window as a silk robed Moss was seen standing in the den smoking a joint.

When asked his opinion of the runner-up rings Belichick shoved a reporter to the ground, spit in the camera lens and then stomped off the field muttering how much he loves his job. He also kicked a puppy, twice. 

The Patriots will look to defend their AFC crown when they open the season on September 7^th against the Kansas City Chiefs in Foxboro. Kraft leaked word that he is preparing a half time celebration at the game to properly honor the 1985 Patriots, a cast of sorry sacks who were viciously mauled by the Chicago Bears 46-10 in Super Bowl XX. Names being mentioned for the all-star tribute include Charo, Borat and Johnny Damon.

“They deserve something special too,” Kraft said. “I think a ring with “You Tried” might be an idea.”