Snark Sharks

Palin, center, with Wasilla City Council

This afternoon Republican Senator John McCain awoke from his third nap of the day and was informed that Dick Cheney had selected Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the 2008 presidential election (gimmick). Palin, a relative unknown Republican, was a surprise choice and the news followed closely on the heels of Democratic presidential nominee Barak Obama’s acceptance speech in Denver. McCain had to be told several times who Palin was and that she will not be his secretary.

Many pundits believe Cheney chose Palin to entice unhappy Democratic women who are still smarting from Hillary Clinton’s snub for anything relevant in a Democratic administration. Clinton gave an endorsement speech in Denver for Obama, as did her husband Bill, but the backing was lukewarm and many observers are convinced they heard Hillary refer to Obama as “that black guy” during her speech.

Palin made history in 2006 when she was elected the 11^th Governor of Alaska and the first woman to hold that office in the Canadian outback. Prior to becoming Governor Palin served two terms on the Wasilla City Council and two terms as the mayor/manager of Wasilla. The charming little town of Wasilla is home to 8,471 actual people, all of whom Palin knows by name. Wasilla does have a zip code and one blinking traffic light and under the leadership of Palin the village was able to lure new industries to the area including water, gas and electricity.

When asked about Palin’s time as Wasilla’s tribal elder current Mayor Diane Keller said “Yup.” When asked to elaborate Keller nodded, twice.

Senator McCain is still foggy on the idea of Palin as a running mate but he knows better than to argue with Cheney. The last man to question the Sith Lord’s authority, Texas lawyer Harry Whittington, was blasted in the face with a shotgun in February of 2006. Whittington, though still alive, hasn’t been heard from since.

Aides to McCain spent most of the Senator’s “awake” time explaining that Palin would be with him for the campaign and that she was not just for show like his apparently mute wife Cindy. One aide was holding up pictures of Governor Palin and another was speaking very loudly into McCain’s ear about the decision to have her join him on the journey to the Oval Office.

“That’s my gal?” McCain asked at one point. “She’s a real looker, can she use the Dictaphone?”

After an awkward pause members of McCain’s staff ushered the media out of the dimly lit room and said to come back tomorrow when the Senator’s new mobility scooter would be on display.

Palin’s relative inexperience in the world of Washington politics and matters beyond a basic hunter-gatherer society didn’t phase Cheney’s decision. Palin is a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association, believes in teaching both creationism and evolution at public schools and is so pro-life she decided to keep her 5^th child even though it is retarded and named the poor thing Trig.

Palin has admitted to smoking marijuana in the past but does not support the legalization of the drug and will not comment on whether or not she blazed so much it made Trig the freakish spaz he is. Her eldest son Track (these are not made up names, Google it) will join the US military in Iraq on the lucky date of September 11^th, 2008. On that day Cheney hopes to have McCain and Trig together for a photo op at the send off to show the country just what’s become of the Republican party.

“Ole man McCain and that special kid kind of waving bye bye to Track, Spielberg couldn’t script it any better,” Cheney said.