Snark Sharks

Abbas and Friends Outside the Cafe 'Kush'

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas today backed off a statement he made last night during a drug induced delirium in which he proposed the Jewish state of Israel be moved to Florida. The stunning comment was made when the embattled leader was in his own words “mad out of it on some potent Afghan hash”.

“I am still a little spaced from the session at Abdul’s however I think I would like to take back a statement I may have made about my Jewish friends going elsewhere.” Abbas said from a bombed out apartment complex in the Gaza Strip where he was rummaging for clothing. “I was, how you say, quite blazed, and I cannot recall entirely my frame of mind. This make nice burqa for wife.”

The unusual and perplexing idea of relocating the Jewish state of Israel to the state of Florida in North America had caught many Middle East leaders and officials off guard though the idea did intrigue Syria, Iran and two spice traders in Yemen.

While Abbas was blaming his far-fetched idea on some “laced shit” several sources within the Palestinian leader’s cabinet said such a plan has been discussed before and if considered within the context of demographics and climate was not that outrageous.

“They (Israel) propose crazy ideas like 97% ownership of West Bank and all of shit hole Gaza,” a Palestinian official requesting anonymity said in reference to Israel’s recent peace offering, “but when we suggest a little bi-lateral movement across hemisphere they snip viciously at our hairy buttocks. It is like bad humus and we will not eat it.”

In recent weeks leaked documents from the Palestinian faction of Hamas do in fact show a detailed proposal (albeit in pencil, on a blood-stained napkin) in which Israel would relocate it’s entire population to Florida where they would enjoy many other Jewish settlers, a similar climate and close proximity to discount outlets and saunas.

Hamas had clearly discussed the plan with Cuba as the proposal calls for a settlement ranging from just north of Ft. Lauderdale to the southern tip of Daytona Beach, an obvious concession to the fact that South Florida is essentially the northern most region of Cuba. It also took into account that all land north of Daytona is primarily known as southern Georgia.

“This proposal is ridiculous and without merit,” said Avi Goldstein, an Israeli cobbler with no ties to anyone in power, “ to even reply to such a idea is mushuganah.”

When asked if the idea had stereotypical undertones Goldstein waved off the question.

“What, so I should want to be even closer to Hedda’s parents?” He said before again waving his hand and then walking away.

The controversial statement was made at a Gaza house party where an unidentified man using a cell phone (it is believed to be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad due to the angle and depth of the viewpoint) captured Abbas acting odd. The house is well known for being a ‘kush’ café and though Abbas is not shown smoking the hash he does demonstrate the behavior of a seriously stoned grey-haired man.

Abbas is seen dancing alone close to a wall, giggling as he balances on one foot and touches his nose with a finger, often telling other party goers that their mother’s are astronauts (an obvious reference to one of Abbas’ favorite movies, White Men Can’t Jump), arguing vehemently with a cat and at one point yelling out, “I smell butt!” before going eerily quiet for some time. The footage was aired on Belgian TV station TMF Flanders and goes on to show Abbas pointing to a map of Florida and saying, “Let Zion exist thereabouts.” Apparently struck by his discovery Abbas then shouts “Allahud Akbar!” at which point the cell phone cuts off as every attendee of the party takes cover in preparation for a suicide bomb explosion.

Checkpoint tightening, chronic unemployment and a worsening economy is leading many Palestinians to use alcohol and narcotics as a coping mechanism but it is believed to be the first time Abbas has smoked the black tar. 

There has been no official response from the Israeli government and messages left at the parliament have not been returned.