Snark Sharks

Shawn Kemp Arrives in Italy

Desperate for big men or just in search of a good laugh Italian basketball club Premiata Montegranano has taken responsibility for supervising the overweight alcoholic formerly known as Shawn Kemp (story). Once a fearsome power forward nicknamed the “man-child” the 6’10” Kemp quickly deteriorated in drink and donuts as he ballooned to well over 300+ pounds, dabbled in guns and cocaine, bounced around Seattle, Cleveland, Portland and finally Orlando before calling his basketball career quits in 2003.

In 1988 Kemp was on the verge of stardom. He signed a letter of intent to play at the University of Kentucky but was kicked off the team before a single game for pawning a teammates’ necklace to pay for the Denny’s all you can eat Sunday buffet. Kemp declared early for the NBA draft and was selected by the Seattle SuperSonics where he became a 5-time all-star power forward (1993-1998) but also a moody and perplexing oddity with a penchant for cocaine and alcohol abuse. Upset with his contract he was traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1997 where he further deteriorated by eating his way to irrelevancy. Kemp’s career is rumored to have inspired Lupe Fiasco’s debut album: Food & Liquor.

After leaving the NBA, presumably to dedicate his time to scaring his seven children, Kemp was busted in April of 2005 for possession of cocaine, 60 grams of marijuana and a semi-automatic pistol. In July of 2006 Kemp was again nailed for marijuana possession, this time in Houston, but only as a misdemeanor since Kemp shared his remaining Hostess frosted donuts with the officers.

Kemp attempted a comeback in 2005-2006 but was unable to impress any of his potential suitors including the Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets and Krispy Kreme. Most people were under the impression Kemp had fallen off the face of the earth but Premiata insists the 40-year old enigma is alive and they will find a uniform to fit him.

Team officials are unconcerned that Italy’s world famous cuisine and wine, not to mention notorious underworld reputation, will have a detrimental effect on Kemp’s comeback. Head coach Alessandro Finelli has said Kemp is working hard to meet the “team’s requirements” which consist of standing upright, checking firearms at the front desk and smiling.

European teams are eager to bolster their rosters with NBA talent but so far have only managed to sign unknown back-up Josh Childress ($20 million for 3 years in Greece) and the live wire that is Kemp. Russian teams were also interested in Kemp but apparently only for his knowledge of weapons and cocaine.