Snark Sharks

The Real Black Irish

US Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama named Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate for the 2008 election (story). Pundits speculate that Obama’s choice is rooted in the fact that Biden, a Senator from Delaware since 1972, has strong ties to blue collar voters, expertise on foreign policy, evidence that someone actually lives in Delaware and most importantly is white. Feeling he has the minority vote locked up, studies conclude any minority who doesn’t vote for Obama isn’t a real minority, Obama is now setting his sites on the whites. And Biden is his sharpshooter. 

Biden had aspirations of running for president this year as well but bailed in January when it was obvious he could not win. Biden bided his time back in the Senate where he and his colleagues spent hours making fun of Alaska senator Ted Stevens and his dump truck and tube theory of the internets.

Biden is known for his tough, Irish Catholic roots, charismatic speaking and wide experience in the field of international relations. But more importantly he’s white and his supposed shortcomings are just what white America likes to hear.

Biden has two allegations of apparent plagiarism, an accusation of resume inflation, a habit for shooting his mouth off when he should listen and of course hair plugs. While political watchdogs call these flaws negatives most white Americans view Biden’s mishaps as proof he’s one of them.

When examined closely Biden’s baggage can be explained quite easily. Today plagiarism is more commonly known as “copy & paste” and is a widely used feature of Microsoft Word that has become a godsend to students, journalists and academics across the country, if not the world. Chances are whomever he stole from also stole from someone else so what’s the big deal?

Resume inflation? Find me the liar who hasn’t lied on a resume. If you want the job you read the job description and give them what they ask for. And honestly, inflation doesn’t mean you made anything up, just made it sound more appealing. Rather than saying you worked for a company you may suggest that you managed it. Hey, prove I didn’t.

And shooting from the hip when speaking in public is just how us whitey’s get our point across without having any real evidence to back up our insane claims. Having a clear and focused argument just makes you look like a know-it-all and look what dull speaking did to the campaigns of Bob Dole and Bob Kerrey.

The hair plugs? Well, the Snark political experts are still looking into that but we assume that most of middle-class white American males have had significant hair loss at some time in the recent past and seeing a survivor like Biden will only rally more balding men to Obama’s cause.

Really, Obama has enough on his plate convincing ignorant Americans that just because his middle name is Hussein that he’s in no way related to Saddam or plotting to make America an Islamic state (hard to do with a Catholic at your side, clever move eh?). And being entrusted to lead America out of the Bush/Cheney Dark Age will take all his strength and savvy, not to mention crates of cleaning supplies and search warrants. Having Biden at his side gives Obama that color contrast that carries over well on television and makes us believe race doesn’t matter. Because if there’s one thing white Americans like to see it’s another white American.