Snark Sharks

I have a headache, my leg hurts and my uniform looks like the Klan

With September bearing down on us it’s time to put an end to one of football’s greatest fashion faux pas’… the faggy whites. The evolution of gladiators deserves better than the Navy’s dress clothes.

Colonel Jessup set the record straight, so to speak, when he ripped into Lieutenant Caffey in Cuba by saying, “What I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform and with your Harvard mouth extend me some fucking courtesy.”

Please, will the overpaid, fashion challenged folk responsible for the all-white get ups in the NFL and college football extend the fans some courtesy and ditch the diapers.

White is for tennis, golf, summer cocktail parties and bridal showers. It’s the color that says, “I surrender”, “I’m pure” and “I’m a little tea cup”. It’s not for gridirons and it’s not for Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

The repeat offenders of this horrid uniform choice include the Miami Dolphins, Cleveland Browns, University of Texas and recently the Washington Redskins. The Skin’s had a classic look going with the white shirts off set by maroon pants but when Steve Spurrier came and trashed the team he also introduced the all white get-ups and the Skin’s tanked deservedly.

Cleveland has always suffered from bland uniforms (not having a logo will do that to a franchise) and the late 1980’s teams that always came up short could simply wave their uniforms at the Denver Broncos and admit defeat.

Even the proud Texas Longhorns who amazingly won a national title in the faggy whites should consider something with color to blend in the blood Oklahoma draws from them every Red River Blow Out.

Weeeeeee!

However, no team has waved the white flag of full uniform surrender more than the Miami Dolphins. It’s bad enough your mascot is smiling and jumping through a hoop but then you have to outfit gown men in orderlies apparel and watch them wilt in the Florida heat. Some reason that it is because of the heat and humidity that Miami wears all white but that doesn’t explain why the Miami Hurricanes, Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Florida Gators each can sport orange, dark red and blue for their home shirt colors. And one would think with all the times the Fins piss themselves in fear and from embarrassment they’d want a more matching color than the transparent white that only serves to show off jockstraps.

I feel like a girl, I throw like a girl!

Really, if football is going to remain the guy sport it is these teams have to lose the faggy whites and inject less feminine colors into their appearance. And don’t tell me uniforms don’t matter, if they didn’t team’s wouldn’t have color schemes and games would be battles of grey shades with no logos or style. And as if it even needs being said, white is worn between Memorial Day and Labor Day, as in baseball season. Didn’t George Carlin teach you anything?