Snark Sharks

I Know Something You Don't Know!

Forget about whether Clay Aiken is gay or not, the latest news out of the Carolina sticks is that Sir Wonder Bread may in fact be in possession of a real life male appendage. Ever since the waif captured the imagination of middle-aged women everywhere with his something or other speculation abounded about what exactly rested between the elf’s toothpick legs.Could he be harboring a vagina, lips like sugar that would explain his falsetto and ambiguous lyrics? Was he a horrible reproduction of the Morrissey experiment, neither this nor that, simply Moz? Or did he, beyond all human comprehension of gender and behavior actually have a penis?

Though the recent birth of his first child, Parker Foster Color Me Confused, lends no real proof that Clay is 1) not still gay and 2) wielding a dick, it does present the argument that the hair style-challenged crooner may just be a man after all, much to the chagrin of Simon and Randy who had 50-1 odds In Atlantic City that he was really a creation of Disney and Marta Stewart that got ridiculously out of hand.

Adding more static to the hopes of a clear picture are the disturbing facts that the mother of Clay’s baby is named Jaymes (spell check refuses to accept this too), is 50-years old and has no history of any romantic involvement with Aiken, simply being described as a “dear friend” of the feminine boy-man-thing.

Regardless, Clay is now kind of a father so if nothing else he can stop shunning rumors of his sexuality and hold up little Parker to shield the paparazzi’s need to know if he sleeps with men or women or not at all.

When the Snark Shark investigative team contacted the hospital for details of Parker’s anatomy the nurse at the pediatric desk began laughing before a high-pitched squeal shot out and the line went dead.