Chad Pennington’s Vanilla Sky
Hammerhead Snark | August 9, 2008
Chad Pennington Leaves New York
Forgive me Chad but I’m about to blow your mind. As you jet on down to the apathetic world of South Florida to resurrect your football career with the Division 1-AA Miami Dolphins consider the possibility that you actually died in 2004 when you tore your right rotator cuff and suffered a large bone spur in a game against the Buffalo Bills.
At that time you chose the Lucid Dream of Life Extension and much like David Aames that dream turned into a nightmare.
In 2000 you were living the playboy life. You had finished 5th in the Heisman Trophy voting, had led Marhsall to 3 Mid-American Conference titles, were a #1 draft pick, playing QB for an NFL team, giving hope to a moribund Jet franchise that needed to believe and could also flaunt your Rhode Scholar credentials for accumulating a 3.75 GPA in the challenging field of Broadcast Journalism. In 2002 you took over the reigns full-time and marched the Jets to the playoffs. 2003 was a wash but in 2004 you bounced back from the injury to again lead Gang Green into the postseason that included a dramatic win over San Diego before succumbing to Pittsburgh in OT. The first few weeks of the Lucid Dream go pretty smooth then your mind starts playing tricks on you.
In addition to not being able to wake up you weren’t sure if the Jets wanted you around anymore. You played here and there but spent more of your time staring in disbelief at Brooks Bollinger and Kellen Clemens as each took turns redefining amateur. You were so enamored by management you had to take a pay cut and have your contract restructured. You lost your humble Knoxville demeanor in a famous press conference after Seattle bitch slapped you around by lecturing the mud-raking New York media about how privileged they were to be covering an NFL team forgetting of course that it was the Jets. 2006 provided a temporary fix to the Lucid Dream glitch in which you were voted Comeback player of the year and led the Jets back to the playoffs.
Your beleaguered screams for tech support went unanswered in 2007 as the Jets went 4-12 and the questions surrounding your inability to throw a ball further than 11 yards made management rescue Brett Favre from the mid-west, put you on notice and then unceremoniously cut you from the team. How’s that for gratitude?
The wet dream turned into a cold sweat. After all the suffering and pain of being dumped by the Jets you were picked up by the Miami Dolphins, which is akin to being fired by the Daily News and then hired by the New York Post. I have to believe GM Mike Tannenbaum kneed you in the balls at the airport before spitting in your face.
Now you’re in a virtual prison arguing with Kurt Russell wearing a mask on your face trying to figure out what the hell is happening. No matter how hard you pound away Cameron Diaz is still laughing at you and telling you she is Sophia. I’d tell you to open your eyes but all you’re going to see is a sparse crowd in Dolphin Stadium, Ricky Williams grinning through a cloud of smoke, Chad Henne warming up and every opposing defense ready to tee off on you. Do the sensible thing Chad, get a running start and jump off that building. There is no Vanilla Sky in Miami, just more storm clouds.
It's a bit like Vanilla Sky in Chinatown... he's my
It’s a bit like Vanilla Sky in Chinatown… he’s my backup, my mentor, my backup, my mentor… and finally a good hair day.
So - every time he thinks he's fucking Sophia he's
So - every time he thinks he’s fucking Sophia he’s actually fucking Kellen Clemons?
Hey Chad - Open your eyes. Open your eyes. Open your eyes, wait nevermind Lucid Dream is still better than the Dolphins reality.