Snark Sharks

He' Standing (well, leaning)

After an April horror show many are kindly calling ‘interesting’, the New York Mets have announced lowered expectations for comical left fielder Daniel Murphy. “Right now, in light of all that we’ve seen we’re just hoping Murph can stand up.” A Mets spokesman said under condition of anonymity. During the first 21 games of the 2009 campaign Murphy has managed to bumble, stumble and juggle his way to several costly errors, none more frustrating than his blunder against the Marlins on April 12^th that led to two unearned runs and cost pitcher Johan Santana another win. Murphy has fallen backward, lost his glove, dropped sure outs and slid without rhyme or reason in a disturbing display of fielding that Manny Ramirez has called “inspiring”. Since Murphy is transitioning from the infield and because the only replacement is an aging Gary Sheffield the Mets are forced to watch the adventures of Murphy in the outfield and hope he follows through on his promise to: JUST STAND UP. Read the rest of this entry »

After a 10-10 start that has elicited responses of yawn to “you suck” the New York Yankees front office is proposing a scheme with Major League Baseball to participate in a controversial ‘run buy-back’ program that would allow the Bombers the chance to buy back runs that have been scored on them in blow outs so the beatings won’t look quite so bad in the record books. Overly concerned of the Yankee image during their inaugural season in a new stadium and with a ballooning payroll now topping $200 million the Steinbrener boys, Hank and Hal, hope to ease the humiliating pain that comes with double-digit losses to the Rays and Indians.

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Grrrr...

What else could wake the slumbering sharks from their morphine induced winter coma then a Gary Sheffield sighting. Not even one game into their crucial 2009 season the World Series favorites New York Mets have already shook their delicate deck with the 1-year signing of the head case known as Sheff. Never mind that the Mets are on the hook for only $400,000 of the $14 million Sheff will make this year (the lucky Detroit Tigers get the $13.6 million portion of that bill) and that his right-handed bat will probably crank 20-30 home runs in a full season, what should concern the Mets more is that they have choked horrendously the last two years and now that it’s World Series or bust is having a known mad dog malcontent like Sheff lurking in the fragile locker room a wise decision? Read the rest of this entry »

Damnit, I can swim fast!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for Michael Phelps, Christian Bale and Alex Rodriguez. I’m sorry for idols, heroes, people who swim fast and actors with short tempers. But more than that I’m sorry for America and the pathetic people who inhabit it. In the past two weeks this nation of gossip gals, back-stabbers and witch hunters have had a field day turning on the very people they put on superficial pedestals. This country of yellow-bellied cowards, union members and hedge fund managers doesn’t deserve an apology. What they deserve is a well-placed slap across their smug faces for having the hypocritical nerve to expect contriteness from the very men they made into immortals. What’s the point of a pagan god if he can’t act like one? Read the rest of this entry »

Damn You Rubik, and your cursed cube!

Well my little Snarker’s and Snarkette’s I know you haven’t heard from your pal Great White in a little while, but I figured it was time to get back in the saddle.  Like most of the Snarks out there in their 30’s, a lot of my friends are spawning the next generation of ankle biters and it’s made me a bit introspective.  So I compiled a list of 85 things that the next generation just won’t get.  Ok the list was going to be 101 things, but I got bored so you’ll get 85 and you’ll like it.

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In lieu of his recent DUI arrest in Phoenix in which he allegedly claimed to be on the prowl for oral sex former NBA star Charles Barkley will forgo a planned trip to Norway since the Scandinavian country has now passed ridiculous new prostitution laws (hypocrisy here) that would make Barkley a criminal. Norway allows the selling of sex but not the buying which is a Catch-22 on every legal level. Barkley, known for excessive drinking, gambling debts, throwing people through windows and threatening to run for Governor of Alabama never got his blow job but rumor is his wife is considering giving Sir Charles a freebie should the overweight loud mouth sober up in time for his court arraignment. Officials in Norway were relieved to know that the first visit by a person of color to their white world will be postponed indefinitely.

Still shell shocked from seven days of bombings Palestinians living in scenic Gaza now face a new threat in the form of heavily armed Israeli “civilians” walking their dogs in the war zone. The image at left is Jewish settler Eli Gold and his German Shepherd Blitzkrieg taking an evening stroll near Gaza City. Gold says he simply comes to exercise his buddy and the fact he is cleared to open fire on anything that moves is beside the point. Israel is preparing to bring in more pets via tanks and helicopters. The decision to use military equipment in transporting a select breed of attack dog is “purely coincidental” said the Director for Israel’s Gaza Dog Walking Project, Lt. Cpl. Avi Sharon.

Fran Fine Goes To Washington

Professional ear rapist Fran Drescher has decided to throw her widow peaked hat into the political ring for Hillary Clinton’s now vacant Senate seat. (Article Here)  Apparently the fact that President Elect Obama’s senate seat was put up for sale to the highest bidder by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was not a large enough slap in the face to American politics.  So now an actress with the sperm curdling voice and mass suicide inducing laugh is ready to jump into the mix to become our next corrupt and ineffectual politician.

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Let's Go To The Grotto, eh, eh, eh, eh!

Playboy Enterprises home of the Crypt Keeper has added to the job woes of the imploding and unstable US job market. (Article Here).  Chief Financial Bunny Linda Havard advised that one of the largest purveyors of tit’s and ass would “continue cost cutting” into 2009.  This comes on the heels (one of Hef’s favorite fetishes by the way) of a 14% cut in staff in 2008.  Budget cuts have been so wide ranging that long time “Girlfriends/Call Girls” Holly Madison and Kendra Wilson of “The Girls Next Door” fame have had their contracts terminated.

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How does it feel?

Ex-Florida Gator football coach Steve Spurrier returned to the Swamp yesterday with his Gamecocks from South Carolina and got a rude welcome from his former mates. The Gators ripped South Carolina a new one to the tune of 56-6 and if you can believe it the beating was even worse than the score. It was a fitting slap in the face to Spurrier who relished running the score up on lesser opponents when he was the man in Gainesville. Read the rest of this entry »